Have been coping a bit better. Much less cutting. Ridiculously busy at work though. To the point where today, my boss, her husband and myself have scheduled a meeting to strategise how to slow things down.
I’ve marketed so well, we can’t cope. Go me.
We are going to have to plan how to strategically, politely “turn away” low end business, and concentrate on the high end, high skill, high tech business.
And I lay awake, in utter terror. Spasming in embodied pain. My heart racing. FFS. I thought I had this. But the feelings were triggered by a very embodied fear and intense heart pain, because of the thought of seeing Roger and Trinket together, the weekend after next.
It’s inevitable. Part of what he chose for my life, that the cunt who was happy to take him away from his family is now a fixture in my children’s lives, and I just have to suck it up and play nice.
I get that, on a logical level.
But my heart aches, so, so badly. What I thought we had for those thirty years, the softness, the passion, was so real, so long, so deep.
I’m angry at myself. Yes, trying not to be. But I have been mentally preparing how to avoid it hurting me.
And yet, BAM!!! The trauma and panic waves have me paralysed, drenched in sweat.
So, I got up early and ran. Trying to calm my panic and aches. My nutrition needs addressing. Not been eating well, which never helps me feel good.
I read this article about divorce trauma. And relate to all, except that I’m not afraid of being alone. I’m good alone. I just feel so devastated, STILL. And I am starting to realise that this is widespread. Talking to some betrayed wives, this is far more common than I ever realised.
I thought I’d cope. Do well. Thrive after he discarded me. His shit. Not mine. My brother told me a while ago that it doesn’t work the way society thinks. I had left home when it happened to our Mum. I never fully saw her trauma. I did see her drop a shit ton of weight fast, and knew she was grieving. But he saw it up close and personal. She was traumatised. And started dating relatively soon after the initial shock. Typically middle aged, didn’t want to be alone. Being discarded for the new, shiny toy, after decades of love, commitment and sacrifice, really seems to mess with women especially.
Women are twice as likely to suffer from PTSD, suffering symptoms which include flashbacks, unsocial behaviour, heightened anxiety, insomnia and psychosomatic illness.
I’ve just had another betrayed wife friend diagnosed with breast cancer. Our bodies absorb so much pain, trying to carry on, look like we have our shit together. Lily talked about how she is freaking out about turning 40 soon, single, stylist that no young, hip thing will want around. Has been offered some business opportunities with designers, etc, and just can’t make any decisions. Divorce brain ditheriness.
I’m shaking and sweating, having a prolonged panic attack. My entire body is aching, and keeps spasming. I’m not sure I can get out the door for work today.
This has never happened before.
And this, my friends, is why you leave with dignity, you decide you don’t love someone anymore? Discuss this with them. Get counselling. Be honest. Don’t set them up for years of trauma because you lied and cheated.