But hell, it’s so, SO hard after (multiple) infidelity, right?
I was told by the couples counsellor we saw, that I needed to get to a place where I could be vulnerable again.
Nic, the counsellor could see I couldn’t allow myself to trust him again.
And he also saw why.
And linked us Brene Brown’s easy to connect with work on vulnerability.
But I battled. I wasn’t ready. I knew Rog just didn’t get it. How deeply anguished his choices made me. How he needed to be patient, kind, honest, to be a part of my healing, and stop continuing to hurt me.
Rog was not reassuring me, as he still wasn’t able to be fully open and honest.
We discussed this on our own a lot. I told him I had lived with him with all the filters off. I was who I appeared to be, to him. In public, but we often wear masks, and I know I wear one – a much happier and healed one – I never really did much prior to knowing he was cheating on me.
Rog admitted he never did that with me. There was always something he held back. I just don’t know why he didn’t love me like I loved him.
Well, I kind of do. His anxious attachment style. He can’t allow full vulnerability. Just too scary.
Having BG show me his flaws, after the bravado that goes along with masculine identities and the early part of “dating” (lord, I hate that word) has been refreshing.
It’s far from what I thought I once had. That complete trust, full vulnerability and deep intimacy.
But I appreciate where we are at.
I told him I woke a couple of times last night, and reached for him in my just awake confusion.
I haven’t been that vulnerable before.
It’s scary. To let him know I must miss him when I’m sleeping, and he’s not here.
His reply was quite funny. I told him I must he getting too comfortable with him…
Sadly, this is hard stuff. Starting over. When you thought you had true intimacy, connection, deep trust with the love of your life, the sweetheart you were going to grow old, and even more connected and in love with.
I hate it.
It causes anxiety and much overthinking and panic.
Because I am not Roger. I did not need another partner. I was happy to stay single and independent. The vulnerability required here utterly terrifies me.