Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

I’ve gotta feeling


Yesterday, I had this weird vibe all day. That BG was gonna drive over.

He is so busy at work right now, it was highly unlikely. And he has never surprised me by just turning up.

At 6.30pm, in he drove. I was doing farm chores, sorting my stock out, as I haven’t made hay, and should have. Place looks very scruffy. It has got so very dry here!

I had just come in to put a pork belly in the oven and find what homegrown veggies I had. It’s been a long time between grocery shops!

When in he walked.

I wasn’t even surprised.

Weird, eh?

But, I had these kinds of feelings about Rog. I have told him that. I felt his presence sometimes. Or a feeling about where he was, that he shouldn’t have been.

I FELT it in my body when he fucked Leanne two years after DDay.

It’s such a weird feeling, when he was somewhere he shouldn’t have been (Leanne, etc) and when he was up for skin cancer treatment in a city I was in after he left me, I FELT him. So, so strongly.

So, when BG asked if it was a nice surprise, of course I said yes, because the nice part was true! šŸ¤£šŸ˜œ

He was amazed I cooked such a good dinner just for me. The reality is, it needed cooking, and was kind of just luck.

Or, did I know something?

Truth is, the feeling he might show up was very, very strong. And hey, pork belly, okay? Lol.

And hey, nothing like a little mid week frolic, right? šŸ˜±šŸ¤£šŸ˜œ

(No need to ask, lol.)

I have booked my leave for our South Island trip. Dates confirmed. He said this morning that he wants to meet my baby brother and his family.



That is sorted. Bed at their place reserved. Flights booked, and car hired this morning.

As he was leaving, he asked if I’d rather come to (Roger’s city) with him the week before. He has a conference there. It’s beautiful. More wine country.

I looked at him, and said, “um no.” He lifted an eyebrow, inquisitively.

“Too triggered by that place still. Don’t want to run into them.

“Oh, right. I forgot.”

Which is also my reason for buying tickets to a completely different hospitality area at the races this weekend than ‘our’ usual. I don’t want to see him there with Trinket, all cosy and loved up šŸ¤®šŸ¤®šŸ¤® it just breaks my damn heart.

So, so much. šŸ’”šŸ’”šŸ’”

So, the plan is, head to BG’s Friday night. I wasn’t going to go until Saturday afternoon, but he asked me to please come as his ex fuck buddy and current friend, Colleen, is coming to stay as her son is at a surf competition. He doesn’t want her to be there without me, I guess. I like her, and weirdly, I trust him. But he feels it is inappropriate for them to be there without me. Which is kinda cute.

And appropriate boundaries. I never had them with Roger.

Then I’m off to the races on Saturday evening. Not sure if he’ll come, see above about busy.

The next day we have a summer concert at a town up the coast, and will stay at his friends’ gorgeous house, overlooking a stunning beach and bay.

My friend, J, just taunted me by sending me a video of her catching a lovely yellow fin tuna off their boat. God, I love fishing. Sashimi forever! Unless they tag and release, which is most likely.

Summer fun…

It’s a public holiday Monday, so I better get my dogs organised if I’m away that long. Can’t take them this weekend.

Life is tough, huh?

As I say, I carry on, ensure I live well.

But the heartbreak NEVER leaves. It really doesn’t. It is the deepest grief I have ever experienced.

J knows it, too.

We talk about hers.

Hers is ‘allowed.’ The loss of a 13 year old son.

Mine is unseen. Unspoken. Forbidden.

That taboo is hard to bear.

4 thoughts on “I’ve gotta feeling

  1. Yes, it is an unseen and unspoken grief.

    • And frowned upon, DLH. Get over it.

      His sister once said, “what’s Paula’s problem (about Roger’s cheating) it was just the one!”

      Yeah, just the one. For a year and a half. And it was never “just the one.” Leanne is the only one people know about…

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