Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Trauma. Bonding. Trauma bonding


I got asked some questions this morning.

BG and I had one of our first difficult conversations. Some of it was about sex. I’ll post about it later.

But, one thing he asked during it was about how I feel about Rog now. “It’s over, right? Or do you still love him?”


It got me thinking about my trauma bond. And how hysterical bonding worked, as well. Explained really well, here:

Normal bonding is a biological and emotional process that makes people more important to each other over time. Unlike love, trust, or attraction, bonding is not something that can just be lost or abruptly stopped at will. It is cumulative and only grows and increases but rarely decreases. Bonding naturally grows with spending time together, living together, eating together, being physical, having children together, and even during stress or difficulty. Bad times bond people just as strongly as good times, and sometimes more so.

Bonding is in part why it is harder to leave an abusive relationship the longer it continues. The bonding makes it hard to enforce normal and even healthy boundaries, because it is much harder to stay away from people we have strongly bonded with. An important point to understand is that when leaving a long relationship, it is not always useful to base your decision to leave by how hard it is to break this bond, because it will always be hard. This is especially true in an abusive relationship. Secondly with an abusive relationship only YOUR bond was/is real and based solely on the growth through YOUR love for this person. There was no love reciprocated with a Narcissist just a need to use you as supply or objectify you to meet his/her needs. Leaving or moving on for a Narcissist is a simple act once they have found new or better supply!

Moreover, experiencing extreme situations and extreme feelings such as abuse tends to bond people in a different way. ‘Trauma bonding’ is a term that defines this bond when a person has experienced abuse in a seemingly loving relationship like one with a Malignant Narcissist because of the continual shifting to blaming and the devaluation involved. The ‘love bombing’ in reality is ‘love bonding’ that creates the connection to the Narcissist even though it wasn’t real. So unfortunately the target/victim plugs all of their normal AND learned life experiences into this love with TRUST being right on top of the list. With the devaluation, the distorted and negative aspects of this love also bond and this changes the reality to accepting the good, the bad and the ugly or basically submitting to the abuse because of the extreme manipulation and control methods of the Narcissist

To be continued…

7 thoughts on “Trauma. Bonding. Trauma bonding

  1. Wow that’s a hard one

  2. Barman sounds like he has enough emotional intelligence to understand that love doesn’t just die and that bonds don’t dissolve either. Please let that be the case! 🙌

    • I think you might be right, jangled. I think that is part of his own story. He knows his ex treated him badly, but I know it took him a long time to recover, too xxx

  3. Pingback: Trauma Bonding is Hard to Leave. We Need Help to Break the Bond. – Emotional Sobriety Means Healing Mind, Body, and Soul

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