Don’t Lose Hope writes a comforting and insightful blog, that I personally find such a help in my healing journey.
I know many people have zero idea about the pain. The devastation. And how damn long betrayal affects us for. I read all kinds of things about recovery. One popular theory is that it takes half as long as the relationship was, to “heal.”
Oh God! 15 years! That’s nearly 12 more!!!
I am of the opinion that we are probably never “healed” from this, just “healing.” I believe it will be a lifetime of this. HealING. As long as it is moving in that direction, I guess I can live with that. 🤷♀️
The post. Why is betrayal so devastating?
All of her points are spot on. But these are the ones that are particularly achy, for me. Firstly, how Rog didn’t love or value me, because, I totally adored him, he was my most valued person ever. Ugh.
1. It comes from people you trust. People you believed were trustworthy. People who had led you to believe that they were trustworthy.
2. It comes from people you have loved, taken a chance with, and made yourself vulnerable to. This is a great privilege. We don’t make ourselves vulnerable to everyone.
3. You were betrayed by someone you treated well. You gave them respect. You gave them your time. You cared about them. You sent the message that they were important and mattered to you. But they sent the message that you weren’t important, and didn’t matter to them.“
Yeah. I gave everything. And it meant nothing to him.
Then, what it has done to me about trust. Not just other people, but I no longer trust myself. My gut. My intuition.
I did intuit that something wasn’t right. I did feel the “friendship” with Leanne was not okay. But he ABSOLUTELY convinced me that I was losing my mind, he was super trustworthy, loved me entirely, and would NEVER cheat.
All while he was cheating.
The lies carried on, after DDay, too. Lies of omission. Things he trickle truthed. His two years of online dating, when he promised me he’d never lie, never cheat, never hurt me again. His true feelings. Etc.
So now, I trust very few. No one entirely. I question my trust of BG, but not just him. Everyone. I see/imagine hidden agendas always. Nothing is ever taken at face value anymore. I overthink everything!
“6. We feel we can’t trust ourselves to judge who is trustworthy – and not trustworthy – in the future. If you can’t trust yourself, and your own intuition, then who can you trust!
7. Betrayal undermines our ability to relax and trust other people in the future. At the back at our mind, there’s always this doubt: “Can I trust this person? Are they really who they seem? Will they mistreat, wound or reject me at some point down the line?” This stops us feeling safe, and destroys our peace of mind.“
The overthinking. The constant scanning of everything and everyone, it’s fkn exhausting! I do try hard to let it go a bit. But those walls are damn hard to break down. The abuse, and mindfuck, they did a hell of a job on my psyche.
Thanks, DLH. This is a succinct explanation of why it hurts so much, and for so long.