Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Torn, how? Why? When? Where? By whom?

Here it is.   My attempt at getting rid of the poison that has infused my life for the past few years.  I know I will never rid myself of the pain and the feelings of self loathing and idiocy that I have (wrongly, I know) had since my darling boy decided that I was strong enough to cope with his crisis.  A crisis which manifested as fucking my childhood “friend” – his ex – who ingrained herself into our lives for over a year – and it then took us nearly three years to exorcise her from our lives, at least physically.  What they did to me is still the wallpaper of my mind, a constant source of agony to me.

Of course, he didn’t “decide” anything.  He just went and pleased himself, we didn’t matter anymore, our three kids and myself.  We were not worth taking ten seconds to think about.  He “decided” that all I had sacrificed for him was worth nothing.  I was not worth thinking about. My input over those decades – and it was a whole lot! – was written off in those seconds before he climbed into (our daughter’s!) bed with this non-person that I was so kind to. It was just him.  Just his little boy ego.  Just his sense of entitlement because he didn’t know how to talk to me when he got lost.  Just his way or the highway.  And I pay the toll.  Every day.

Yet, despite it all, all the agony, I love this man like I have never loved before, and doubt I ever will again. We were supposed to raise this family together and have a truly fabulous future when they flew the nest, just back to the fabulousness that was him and me. Love, laughs, art, music, theatre, film and travel. And whatever else found its way into our hearts.

But, he left. He gave up on us, and chose another woman to have that future with, the one I earned. The one I planned for. The man I tried to help him be.

My journey is to find peace within me now, to let the intense love for someone who could not return it go…


The crack in the fabric of time and space….

14 thoughts on “Torn, how? Why? When? Where? By whom?

  1. Really glad you decided to blog about your journey. I think a lot of people will find it really helpful including yourself, if only to get things straight in your own head.

    Roger is a serial cheater, you know that, but I believe he doesn’t. When I say the same to N he scoffs like I’m overreacting or just plain making things up. He doesn’t understand that what he’s done throughout the years we’ve been married IS cheating. Sharing a part of yourself, whether it be physically or emotionally, that is promised to your partner is cheating. Men don’t get that. They dismiss it and reason with it. The prostitute didn’t matter because, well, she was a prostitute! The few while you were in the UK? Well to coin a phrase, you were on a break. The ex psycho girlfriend? He’d already been there so was it really cheating?! Of course you an I know the answer to that but does he? It’s the same for N. She was an ex and meant nothing to him emotionally so was it really cheating? The ones I found out about after we got engaged? Just a foolish youthful mistake. The lies, the false facebook and twitter accounts, the innocent and not so innocent online, iPhone chatting? No cheating there! Oh and not to mention that his wife was a bitch at the time so all’s well and justified. Of course he hates how he’s behaved during our 15 year relationship but I don’t think he sees all of it as cheating. But I won’t quit hitting it home to him til he gets it, I can’t afford to because I can’t go through this hell again.

    Jesus P, we should write a self help book together about this shit!

  2. What we really should do, bubsy, is forget about them and live our own authentic lives. Whoops, bugger, five children involved!

    I never once considered staying “for” the kids. But we are close, do get on, and while they are financially dependent on us, I choose to stay. I don’t think I will once they no longer require that. So, weirdly, I have become everything I detested. But it works, for now. Sad thing is, I think he does get it now. He can see that he has not lived according to his own morals and his heart. I know he really does love me.

    I guess I don’t see the time I was in the UK as a “break.” We were done. I don’t think he did anything wrong there. But the rest, yes. Absolutely.

    Thanks bubsy. I wonder who would read it, lol?

    • I know this sounds pretty pathetic but I really don’t know what that authentic life would be?! My life has been N and the kids for so long I’m not sure I’d know how to be or do anything else. I was very content with my own company before we were an item and being single was ok with me. I hoped I would meet someone special one day and I thought I had with him. Can’t express how let down I’ve been throughout most of our relationship. I know what you mean about becoming something you detest…never thought I’d be that person either.

      As for the book? Have you read some of the so called advice literature there is out there?! Think we could give them a run for their money 🙂 x

  3. Bubsy, I’m sorry you feel that way. I know the past has a huge part to play in how we heal – or even whether we heal really. When you feel so let down it makes THIS crime so much harder. I feel like I had a really great relationship, I was fulfilled and loved, however, when you put the past in, ie the prostitute, and even the stupid fucking her just weeks in, it slants the whole 26 years. The only reason she wanted him back then, at the very beginning of us, was because he was moving on. He really didn’t want her, and she didn’t want him to be happy. She heard he was seeing me, so immediately came down to try to fuck it up. Spite is her middle name.

    Yeah, the books are generally appalling. I think I’ll give adding to that genre a wide berth!

  4. You do know that your depression is covering up almost murderous anger don’t you? The lying sack of shit and the scumbag he was screwing got away with it. Neither has done jail time for theft, even though they robbed you of trust. The kind of rage you feel is diffused and colors everything you do. ECONOMICS OR NOT YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM. Maybe not forever but the fact that you are still trying to rescue him means you still want to erase the past, get justice, find hope. You need to find your self.

    • Oh yeah! Do I ever. But your username is key, Let go. I know that hanging onto any of this is counter-productive, just trying to find a way to live with some peace and even a drop of happiness again. Just so you know, I did try so very hard to face-to-face her, way back then. I tried phoning, I tried texting, I wrote her one heartfelt letter asking her to understand and allow me to heal (back when I was delusional enough to think she might have cared about me or our children.) I even visited her home one day, with coffee and brownies, to talk. But she answered all of that with a fake restraining order (I have two thirds of a law degree, I know what they look like, this was a downloaded one off the internet, with no police name or signature.) That was the day I realised she didn’t care, that she truly was a sociopath, and I was done with trying to either forgive or understand her. I have been told I rescue him before (best marriage therapist we saw) and I do try to not do that anymore. However, although he was a sack of shit lying cheating scumbag, that is NOT who he is today, or who he was for the previous twenty-one years. Hard to reconcile. I have kicked him out for eight months, and I was no “better.” I know who I am, I am back at uni, and I have a good job, I just wish I didn’t fucking love him! In fact I hate typing that, because it sounds so fucking battered wife! That is NOT who I am!

      Thanks for your comment, Let go. You speak the truth.

  5. Nice to see you writing!

  6. Pingback: Liebster Award | try not to cry on my rainbow

  7. Something about your writing really draws a reader. You’re very raw and real and good at it. I don’t know why I wasn’t receiving your updates but I look forward to reading more of your story. You are a wonderful person and it comes through very clearly. Wishing you the best. ❤️

  8. I agree.
    Love your writing & authenticity.
    Also, glad you left that asshole!
    –From Minnesota.

    • Hi there MIC. And thank you. I don’t really edit or construct anything on this blog. I spill. Then I do proofread for spelling or grammatical errors, then immediately hit publish. So I can’t say I write well here. Instead I treat it somewhat as a personal journal, a way of letting off steam.

      Yes. He was an asshole. For a long while. Then he woke the fuck up and tried to fix the unfixable. Too fucking late. Damage done. A permanent scar left and a once delicious relationship with a loving and loyal woman ruined. And honestly? I am done with this shit. I never wish to be that vulnerable to other people’s selfish egos ever again. So yeah. He ruined love for me. Sounds dramatic. But it is genuinely how I feel. Never again.

  9. can you send me a password please .thanks mark

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