This is a good explanation of how trauma bonds form.
We did some brief work with a counsellor who used EFT. She first identified Roger’s anxious attachment style.
And that I had grown up with a secure attachment style.
I now have anxious attachment as well, since his come here, go away treatment since I discovered his cheating.
This is due to his unpredictable reward or punishment reactions. He’s withdraw affection, then pour it on. I never knew what was going on, especially in those last few years.
The years I now know he was online dating.
If he wasn’t getting kibbles from the online hookup women, he’d love bomb me.
If he waa getting his ego boosted by them, he’d pull away. I never knew what I was doing wrong. He was erratic. However, if I talked about separation, he’d pull me close and promise me the world.
It’s telling that the exact wording he used to justify his affair with Leanne – that started just a few months after I took my first off farm job in seventeen years (we had worked shoulder to shoulder all those years) – was that I had abandoned him.
By going to my paid employment five days a week.
It was unsettling, this pull me in, push me away stuff. I started to doubt myself. My own boundaries. What was I doing to cause this behaviour? It must be me, right?
No. It never was. It was his childhood stuff. His inability to self soothe. He used sex and affection for that. I now know why he liked so much sex. It wasn’t because I’m irresistible. (Damn! Lol.)
It was because he used my desire for him to soothe himself. To reassure himself that he was loved.
I remember feeling so much empathy for that little boy. The one whose Mum was depressed and showed her love erratically.
Come here. Go away.
And now, having experienced all of the Roger’s love dysfunction of telling me I’m the love of his life, then complete discard, with BG withdrawing to lick his wounds, I’m triggered I know what it is. He doesn’t want to “bother” me.
I told him last night that he’s doing this thing. That he is all over me when I need support. But refusing to accept mine. He’s scared I’ll judge him as weak if he accepts my love and support when he’s obviously struggling with stuff.
It’s making me extremely anxious.
I have identified it, though. And am trying to communicate.
So far, he’s not buying in. Still holding himself to a “higher standard.” I told him that’s not really okay. That I’m not the only one who’s allowed problems.
He’s never had a partner who is there for him. He’s always had to survive alone. He doesn’t know how to allow my support. Too scary.
And their fucking ideas that they have to solve everythung alone.