Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum


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The saga continues…

So, the saga of payroll and putting Paula down and micromanaging her from afar continued today…

She (boss) brought it up again, and so I had a “word” with her. Said people have no security they will be paid on time if she is away and can’t/doesn’t answer messages or emails. It’s happened before. More than once or twice. So I preempted that problem on a day she was travelling internationally, with no one else having access to being able to pay, by getting my assistant to send payroll through early, so it would be paid on Friday. Instead of late, on Monday. Instead, we got paid on Tuesday. Ugh.

She didn’t pay it on time, even when I tried…

I said, “people have financial commitments. I had to change some of my payments because you didn’t pay us on time.”

Her reply? Don’t set them up so close to payday!

FFS. People have credit card bills, daycare fees, rent, mortgages. You don’t always get to choose the date to pay!! You are financially penalised if you pay late! We’re not earning large six figure salaries, every bit of interest charged/on time payment discount missed, counts to us plebs.

And don’t tell me how to manage my own finances lady! I’ve seen yours, and I know mine are far better organised! I just left the room. I was steaming mad!

Said nothing further. Just rolled my eyes when she said, change your payment dates.

Grrrrrrr. If waged employees only get paid monthly, budgets and payments are very delicate. Our staff are not salaried high earners. Monthly payroll is already challenging. In most businesses here, fortnightly payroll is the standard.

So. In my seventeenth year of employment here, I had a really good think.

And contacted a recruiter. I’m going to talk to her on Friday. To see if my situation might be conducive to getting some temp work.

My building (for my new business) is scheduled for completion in November. I don’t have a clue if that is likely. So. Why don’t I hand in my resignation when I come back from holiday? I have to give a month’s notice. So, I finish up a month after I return from my overseas holiday with BG, I am owed six weeks paid holiday leave. And on my return, fill some temp positions. I can then be more flexible regarding timing for clinic fitout, and my own staff recruitment.

Man. I’m a genius! (Not!)

I’m scared. I have been loyal and dedicated to this business. I am concerned about money. But I reckon this could be a way of respectfully and professionally getting out of a pretty miserable situation.

Oh. And I discovered cuntface has been checking out my LinkedIn profile. It’s not terribly exciting. I keep it pretty minimal there.

But why??? It’s nearly five years since she helped blow up my life. She won the sparkly turd. Why is she looking??? Ugh.

Anyway. Whatever. Wish me luck!


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The mindfuck channel

Or one of them.

After Leamne exposed Roger’s affair with her to me, he went into mourning.

He was openly grieving losing her.

And I almost felt sorry for him! Poor, sad sausage. The mindfuck was complete.

Maybe she was the love of his life, and I – all Bambi innocence – wandered into the middle of it all and fucked it up??? Maybe I was an OW??? Shiiiiiit! Were they still dating when he started love bombing 20 year old me??? I didn’t think so at the time. He told me they’d been over for AGES. I still don’t know the truth. I honestly believed she was crazy.

He told me she was. So yeah. Okay. I know he tells people that about me. “But she wanted to leave ME! Crazy bitch.”

Had he lied??? I’d never considered that before. Was that why she was so nasty and evil about me? Told him he’d catch AIDS from me (in was mid 80s, okay) and that confused the hell out of me. I had only ever been with him! Ahhh, was it because my Dad is gay? I didn’t get it. Had I inadvertently done something wrong? After all, he fucked her right at the beginning of “us.” Just a few weeks into us starting to date – read that as weeks after he started love bombing me daily. And I’d made excuses about that. He was getting her back for cheating on him. We were new, maybe we weren’t exclusive yet? I didn’t lnow the rules. I was 20, FFS! He was my first lover.

Yeah, he was punishing her.

By making love to her.

FML. Riiiiiight.

What a damned idiot.

He played me from day one.

He was open about his “grief,” over Leanne. He said, “she was my friend and confidante. It’s hard losing that.”

Me: nods head in sympathy. Poor baby.

When Trinket started cheating with him, I got the sad sausage tales again. He was rescuing a poor betrayed woman from her past of being cheated on.

I mean WTAF???

He actually thought I’d be sorry for her.

And chumpy me, I actually was.

The empathy chip is embedded deeply in me, and therefore malfunctions a bit. Other people’s (historical) pain is more important than my (current) agony!

The day my daughter told me, after refusing to see her sperm donor for over a year, that he told her he was still mourning the loss of me…๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™€๏ธ I mean, WTF! He had his Marvellous Trinket! Whom he just HAD to sell our life up, split thirty years of assets, wipe out my loving heart, to move away to be with!

And he wanted to convince our child that he deserved sympathy because he blew up our lives??? Utterly broke her mother’s heart, shattered her world, gave her cancer due to dipping his dick in filth?.?

Yeah. It must be hard. Honeymooning. Wooing her kids. “He makes my Mum so happy.” Poor baby.

Fuck. That. Shit.

You don’t get to grieve what you exploded, FW.

My daughter was rightfully furious at his sad sausage routine. My other daughter was rightfully pissed at Trinket’s daughter’s gushing about how happy her cheater father made that girl’s cheater mother.

At my daughter’s mother’s expense.

No one seems to see the irony or think critically about the cheating, lying, theft.


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Wife appliance.

Swap them out.

One warm body for another.

Just read this clickbait and was stunned. Like, to even have to ask AITA!

Cheater leaves lovely, caring person for AP. BS wonders where her wedding dress and family heirlooms are. Asks cheater. Cheater “has no idea.” BS is respectful, full of grace, painfully rebuilding a shattered life.

Tah dah! BS wears all the missing items to marry cheater.

WTAF? Like, I’m sure this has to be a load of ๐Ÿ’ฉ.

But, this kind of behaviour is real. Cheaters really do just swap out a loyal spouse for a fresh new (secondhand) wife appliance.

No time without one. Just cut and paste.

Makes me sick.

Even if you’ve been together for what seems like forever, thinking that you know the person better than their own mother โ€“ things might still go south. Somebody might cheat โ€“ others might show their totally different and sometimes even toxic personalities.

Yup.

This.

Realizing that you’ve married someone totally insane is heartbreaking enough. But what is more hurtful is watching the person you once loved turn into a selfish someone who chose to completely wipe you out, as if you weren’t a family just a second ago.

I will NEVER understand it. How he had me fully convinced that he loved me. Adored me. That he could never have with anyone else the special, most treasured bond that he had with me.

Then just walk out.

Walk away from the life and love we spent decades building together.

Never once looking back.

No regrets whatsoever.

It’s the biggest mindfuck of all.

And there were some huge mindfucks!


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How to take the wind out of my sails

I am still far too damn fragile.

It annoys me no end.

This morning, my friend (who is also an ex fuck buddy of Roger’s) and I were talking. She’s actually really great, but is still friends with him, that’s okay.

But, as we were about to hang up, she told me she,was having dinner with Rog and his cunt tonight.

Obviously, she used the cunt’s name.

It kicked me in the gut. That my friend socialises with that homewrecking cunt.

Yeah, I know. She just believed Roger’s lies. But I did actually tell her in person that he was lying to her, that I had missed the memo that he was single! He was cheating on me, AGAIN, with her.

I thought I’d be better by now.

But I’m not. I’m here, living a new life. But it still utterly breaks my heart. That this happens. That she told me. I mean why would she tell me???

I briefly mentioned it to BG. He just said, “well, apparently everyone is friends now. You and he have been seen at events together. You’re all matey-matey.”

Cool. NOT!!!

I’ve had a rough day because of it. Totally down and not myself. I’ve been to a nearby city with BG, to a meeting with him. And tried to pretend I’m okay. But he noticed. “What have I done, darling? You seem a million miles away.”

So annoyed at myself. I tried to stay present. I worked hard to be the supportive, engaged partner.

And failed. Obviously.

I don’t know how I will ever get them out of my head. I mindfully switch channels. I practice gratitude and concentrate on the fabulousness of my life.

But heartbreak is real. And permanent.


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Emotional

Truth.

Emotional pain is embodied.

I’ve never felt more intense physical pain than this emotional pain.

I just had a series of very bizarre dreams. But the weirdest one was at the end. More hyper real than the previous bizarre ones.

Trinket floated in (yes, like a ghost) and apologised for all the pain she has caused me.

Said she was ashamed of believing Roger. That slowly, his lies were revealed. That she recalled me saying we were not separated, that I was shocked and appalled at what he was doing with her, when I still loved him. That his love bombing of her blinded her to his lies, made her think I was the liar. She “forgot” what I told her, the pain in my eyes…

And my mind flashed back to the searing pain of reading a text he sent me, meant for her ๐Ÿ—ก๐Ÿ”ช๐Ÿ—ก๐Ÿ”ช

I felt a sense of calm. Of healing. And it was briefly soothing.

Strange thing to dream about after the dreams that preceded, about shootings, paranormal happenings, and supernatural creepiness.

I woke, prickling with sweat.

I wish the nightmares would end. So sick of them.


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Gliding into the weekend like…

Little dog to the groomer first thing. Planned road closure, so got there early, to beat it.

Home, check beehives, put top feeders on, feed hives. BG arrives while I am suited up, laughing at me in my beesuit, smoker in hand, wishing he had a camera. Talk to the people on my neighbour’s land , who are trying to locate a recorder, in a large tree on my place, to check on bat activity. Funny. My mind went straight to bat shit crazy. I know I’ve been painted that way by the flying monkeys.

Had a horse that BG and I have a share each in, racing yesterday. It was in a nearby city. Knew we had to negotiate the road closure, so planned to leave a bit early.

Roger was there. Ugh. FFS. I had no idea, and got a huge shock, seeing him.

Like, near me. Why doesn’t he stay down there? Lol. (I vastly prefer feeling mostly secure that he won’t pop up in my life…) my heart sank.

I don’t have a clue how many horses he has shares in these days. But he always seems to know what I do. So weird.

Anyway. I avoid.

But he always tries to engage. I hate it. But I answer questions, etc, hoping he’ll go away fast. It’s a public forum. You really do have to play nice. But I liken it to all the times in a woman’s life where society says, “be nice.”

Your boss felt you up a bit, why aren’t you flattered, he finds you attractive, be nice.

Your parents’ creepy friend made lewd jokes about women’s bodies. He’s old. Be nice.

Your friend of a friend raped you. He made a “mistake.” Be nice.

Your cheating, lying, abusive ex wants to chat. Isn’t that great, you’re still friends. Be nice.

I have managed to avoid contact for about two years. But two sightings in the last month or so. It still upsets me no end. My heart races and I go all wobbly. I break out in a cold sweat. I struggle to breathe properly. Fuck. I hate it. I think I cover all the panic signs well? Dunno. I feel like a cornered animal. Swan gliding across the lake, feet furiously paddling underneath!

BG is fascinated. He sees Roger as being like his cheating dad. If he chats nicely with me, then he ensures that to the outside world, that all is well, he did nothing wrong. He’s so intrigued that Trinket has NEVER shown her face. I met her while we were still together. Just after I found out he was cheating again, with her this time. I drove hours to (my shame) beg her not to keep on with her affair with my partner of over three decades.

Never once since. BG finds that as weird as I do. But, I’m not complaining. I don’t ever want to see her. I wouldn’t trust myself, lol. Joking.

I think? ๐Ÿ˜œ

BG also has this strange, but understandable (from the outside) theory. He thinks Roger engages also to keep me on the hook. So he has a back up plan. If Trinket ever walks.

I roll my eyes.

I don’t think Roger gives a flying fuck about me.

He didn’t want me then.

He certainly doesn’t want me now.

It’s all image management.

We are not friends. Friends donโ€™t lie, cheat, see your utter devastation, watch you work your arse off to heal, to grow, give you potentially fatal – certainly health compromising – diseases and cheat again, walking away telling you that “one day, we’ll find our way back to each other,” then never even ask once how your cancer treatment (from an STI he gave you) is going.

Interestingly, BG told me the other day that Chrissy also played that Terminator card. “Ah’ll be back!’ With, “we need a little break, to figure some stuff out. It’s not over, babe.”

Ill Be Back Arnold Schwarzenegger GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

That was the last time he saw her. She did continue to message for years. Including annual “Happy Birthday, babe,” messages for about three or four years after she left. It’s stopped now. I saw the messages. He didn’t reply.

Hopium is a powerful drug. BG gets it, because he also had to break the addiction, when his dealer promised more, but never delivered. I know he thinks I am vulnerable to Rog hoovering. Coming back to reclaim me.

I’m not.

I was for a while.

I knew it then, and it TERRIFIED me. Thankfully, he really was done with using me up. Thankfully the Wonders of Trinket’s Magical Pussy kept me safe from the hoover. I am stronger and better now. The addiction is under control.

BG also has a bizarre theory, which I know to be bollocks, as a woman.

He thinks Trinket is scared Rog will leave her, for me. I admit, I couldn’t be with another cheater, my insecurities would do my head in. (NB I was never in the slightest bit jealous, nor insecure, before Leanne. Cheating partner changed me at my core. Forever.)

So she doesn’t show? What??? That makes zero sense, dude.

Nah. It doesn’t work like that. She’s secure. If she wasn’t, she’d be glued to his side. They are living love’s wrinkly dream ๐Ÿ˜„

Anyway. The horse went very average. Poor ride by the jockey. That’s racing.

I’m sure Roger found that very amusing.

Whatever.

We headed home, picked up the dog, leaving flowers I had packed in a chilly bin in the car all day, for the groomer’s darling mother, a dear friend, who is recovering from cancer surgery.

Threw clothes in a bag, kissed niece and nephew goodbye, they head back down to their Mum’s today, gave doggos treats and goodbye snuggles, and off to BG’s. We got there around 7. He threw clothes in a bag, golf clubs in car, off up the coast to Andy and Ingrid’s. Here by 9, we drank some red wine, and played pool. BG is a pool shark! We doubled up and played Andy and his friend, Bob. Andy is decently talented too. I just had to not fuck up, and the competition was close, us winning a first to five close encounter.

Bed. Sleep. I’m exhausted. The boys have just left to drive further up the coast to play golf. I’m in bed, contemplating making a cup of tea.

Counting my blessings. This is such a good life.


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Tell ’em she’s dreamin’!

Had one of those hyperrealistic dreams.

Where you wake up, briefly convinced, that what you just dreamed, was truth.

Trinket and Rog broke up.

And she came to find me.

She’d had an epiphany. Realised that he was a liar. We weren’t separated. His Match profile was a lie. He was cheating on me by online dating. She had contributed to completely breaking my heart. She was a home wrecker. Gasp! He just told her what he did to get in her pants. To line up new supply.

She begged me to forgive her, she had fully bought the stories about me not loving him, that I was unhinged, and a bad person.

Her children had believed him, too. He’d charmed the socks off them. Bought them things they liked. Chatted convivially with them. Cool Dad.

And we became firm friends! WTAF? That was the part that gave the story away, lol.

As Chump Lady points out, about the cheater and the other woman, “If the truth is that she broke up a family, how happy can she reallyย be? Joy requires depth. Abandonment requires sociopathy. Donโ€™t envy the disordered.”


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Birthday

I’ve held off posting all day.

Composing myself.

Today is Roger’s birthday. I just think, wow 57, hmmm.

I’m not usually ageist, but I had the best of him really.

Normally, I’d be planning a very special meal, and loving celebrating the man I loved so very much.

I’d probably also send him some smartarse meme (um, see above ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜œ.)

The old witch can have him. Not gonna lie, deep in the feels. Despite everything, and all I know and am, I still deeply love who he pretended to be for our thirty years together. I know he is no longer that person.

BG doesn’t know, I’ve never told him much about Norm, let alone a birthdate. But his timing is awesome. He just sent me a link to an Airbnb he’s booked for us. His national conference is in Roger’s city soon. Ugh.

Instead of staying with the others in a mid range hotel, he’s booked us an Airbnb.

I’m so glad. Some space to be myself, as going down there always puts me on edge. I’d hate to run into him and his whore.

There.

Better out than in.


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Won’t Somebody Think of the Children!

I’m a child of divorce.

Due to infidelity.

I know how it affects you. It does change the way you view relationships, and the way you view the gender (if heteronormative parents) of both the cheater, and the betrayed.

I think I processed my father’s cheating in a pretty healthy way. It did make me far more cautious about “love” and my expectations. I stated very clearly, many times, that honesty is key. Liars are pieces of shit.

https://www.deseret.com/2011/5/31/20195076/it-s-not-just-about-the-couple-infidelity-can-cause-lasting-damage-to-children

Roger tried to (and in at least one case, succeeded in) introducing our adult children to his latest whore, while we still lived together.

Of course, they all knew and interacted/had holidays with Leanne while he was fucking her ๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคฎ๐Ÿคข๐Ÿคฎ

This. “The parent is putting his needs ahead of the children.” Bingo.

“For Third District Court Commissioner Michael Evans, one of the red flags in a custody hearing is learning that a child has been introduced to a “girlfriend” or “boyfriend” while the parent is still married or not finished with divorce proceedings.

“That can be a direct reflection of one’s parenting ability, (the fact that) one is putting his or her own needs ahead of the children,” Evans said. “We don’t really need to know what had gone on specifically between the spouse and the unmarried person โ€” just (the child) being exposed (to new relationships) is usually an indication that the parent is thinking more of him or herself.””

They have no idea. Both Trinket and Rog have married forever parents. In Roger’s case, until his mother sadly died almost four years ago.

Clinical psychologist, Ana Nogales, explains

“What is important is to create awareness that cheating in the marriage or a serious relationship is not just something about the two people, but it may affect, at some point, the whole family. So when people think ‘This doesn’t involve my children. It has nothing to do with my children,’ they’re lying to themselves. When this is known, the children are seriously affected”

One indication is how those children will view future relationships.

Nogales believes children are most dramatically affected by infidelity through of the loss of trust โ€” which doesn’t always happen with divorce.

“(A parent) is supposed to be the person a child can trust more than anyone else,” she said. “When one parent betrays another, it’s a supreme breach of trust. Most of the children felt that they were betrayed by the parent, too.”

Infidelity also damages an individual’s confidence, Thorson said.

“Sometimes as much as the betrayal itself … (partner infidelity) shakes how we feel about ourselves,” she said. “We sometimes feel a sense of…’I can’t believe I didn’t know it was going on in front of me.’ We felt like we would have known if that was happening.”

“We have tolerated for much too long the fiction that adultery generally does not harm children,” Wardle wrote in a 2002 article in Catholic University Law Review. “Although our law and our courts may not be able to protect children from the tragic pain and long-term suffering caused by parental infidelity, the least the courts can do is recognize and speak the truth that children do suffer from parental infidelity.”

Yeah. The damage is deep, and far longer lasting than I realised. The decades of trust I built up with Rog meant when he was exposed as a liar and a cheater, my trauma was magnified. I thought I had my person. I mean MY PERSON!

I never realised he didn’t feel the same way about me.

Women give and give and give. They wear so much of the weight in any heterosexual relationship. I’m not trying to be gender biased here. This is culturally engrained, socially constructed stuff. I fought being this person. The person who was assigned all the caring, removing much of the power.


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Rescuing the Single Mother. A How to Guide

Norm rescues women.

He grooms them.

Even the ones he possibly didn’t fuck. His female friends always had a ‘background.’ Failed relationships. Struggling single mums. Etc.

One of his modus operandi is to charm the kids.

Oh, and he specialises in women whose kids don’t have a present biological father.

Reduces the competition significantly! ๐Ÿ˜‚

Then the mothers wet themselves about him.

Leanne was a single mum.

By choice.

And man, hard to believe, but that was really hard!

I mean this kid has a will of his own! Whaaaaat??? She told me once, she just wanted a little girl she could dress up and show off. A make your own real life doll/friend kit.

So Rog galloped in on his white steed, and rescued her. He even told me, when I questioned him, not knowing he was cheating, that she needed help. He was doing the “manly” tasks for her. Heavy lifting type chores. Gosh, what a lovely man he is! (However, at home, I did the vast majority of the heavy lifting…)

I can think of at least four of these rescues he collected. “Friends.” Female friends. Closer to him than me, women who met me later (remember, he got to carry on with his social life after children, because I enabled that. Doing the stay at home parenting as he played tennis, went drinking, went racing/fishing/shooting, attended parties, etc.)

All of these women were pretty dismissive of me when they eventually met me. Oh shit, the “wifey,” damn.

I knew it. I felt it. I worked overtime to charm them, too. See, I’m a cool chick!

Trinket is no exception. A widowed mother of three. She’d nursed her serial cheater through cancer until his early death, then solo parented fairly young kids after their father died.

She was ripe for the picking off the online dating apps! He’d tried with several other women who had sob stories about abusive/difficult exes, etc. Far easier to pick one with no ‘ex.’

In any case, the others (remember, tens of thousands of text messages to other women during those last two years, during wreckonciliation from his last cheating episode, when I had no idea he was ‘dating’) all either wised up to him, or were never attracted to him once they met in person.

I remember him love bombing Trinket’s youngest with retro music, etc.

She was a ‘troubled teen.’

And Rog is subtle.

Not gushy.

But knows how to charm the kids. Be interested-but-not-too-eager. Charm their poor, fragile mother.

That gets them every time. WAP! Hola!

Shame he was never very invested in ours very often. I was looking through photos recently. And there were only a VERY small handful of him with any of our children. Mostly on our only ever real family holiday. My memories of significant moments don’t involve him. Sports. Swimming, music, drama, etc. I took them. We were both self employed. But it was me at the school assemblies. Me on school camps. Me coaching sports. Me driving them to activities. Me helping them with homework.

Me prioritizing them.

But these OW? Their kids are important.

How to Rescue the Single Mother. A How to Guide.

He wrote the book.