Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum


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Birthdays

It’s my fabulous eldest daughter’s 29th birthday tomorrow.

So the youngest and I drove down yesterday, via eldest, S’s, university town (which is a bit triggering as it was where I was so brutally raped as a 19 year old) to pick up her flatmate, to come with us to her and her lovely partner’s home near the capital.

Of course, the Easter Bunny came early, taking the opportunity to bring some wee treats south.

We headed into the city for a wonderful set menu, degustation-style dinner to celebrate.

A lovely night. Youngest is recovering from Covid, and is exhausted, so we came home following an after dinner drink, while the others kicked on in town.

That night, S’s godmother, one of my best, most awesome and oldest friends, G, sent me this photo she took of me and our old friend, GJ.

This was taken in the UK, the week I discovered I was pregnant. The same old friend – GJ, whom I ran into with BG the other weekend on the way home from our romantic weekend in his old beach town – was over there on holiday, and G and I met him at a local pub. We were really good friends back then. Always up for a laugh!

It was a very weird time in my life. Roger still didn’t know I was 14 weeks pregnant. I had written him a letter after the diagnosis (and dating of the pregnancy) by ultrasound. G knew. She drove me to Banbury Hospital for the ultrasound. I’d asked her not to say anything to GJ yet.

Of course, she did!

So, GJ knew I was having S even before her father did. I wasn’t thrilled about that fact, but we had a great night!

There are many things, many people I miss terribly from my old life. But I accept that things are changed. I am also super appreciative of the true friends, who are genuine. Including those who believed Roger’s bullshit about me, about the state of our relationship after his eighteen month affair with our “friend,” Leanne, but have realised he is a liar. That he is indeed, a serial cheater. That he played me.

Anyway, as I said. Acceptance. You can’t change what people believe. I get it. I was taken in by his softness, his charm, his fake remorse. I truly loved him to pieces.

And I think the kids think I knew. That I accepted who their father is. They Moira Rose-d me.

I’m pretty sure they don’t know that I was fully committed and working my broken hearted arse off to heal us. To fix what he did to our family.

After all,

You can love someone…
and still choose to say goodbye…

You can miss a person everyday…
and still be glad they’re no longer
in your life.

I’m immensely proud of the strong, independent, clever, beautiful, thoughtful woman my truly fabulous surprise package baby, my S has become. I love following her journey, am so grateful for her and her partner’s very existences in my life. I’m so much better for having been gifted these “dope” people. (A reference to a conversation over dinner last night about language.)

Thank you world, for the special treasures of my children, who saved my life, and make me want to be a better person.

Every day.


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This was me

New movie about to be released.

This was me.

The shock of unplanned pregnancy, and desperation that it wouldn’t change who I am.

Was.

Whatever.

I cried watching the trailer, love Rose Matafeo, and this character was me.

I worked so hard to become a good Mum. I just wanted my Norm to love me.

Fuck.

What a fuck up I made of my life, all because I loved a man who never loved me back the same.

So many tears. It’s been a while.

All part of this difficult journey


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My first baby

My first baby, was Roger’s nephew, N.

I was never particularly maternal. But I loved him and his little sister so, so much. I looked after them often, from birth.

He was a real character. Still is. Was his 32nd birthday yesterday, and I always check in with them.

He has never called me Aunty before. I was always Paula. I am also just Paula to my own nieces and nephew, too.

But I just loved this. Made my day.

BG and I visited him last August in Queensland. He was playing some pre-season polo after recovering from a smashed arm. First game back. Roger’s cousin and his wife (a couple I absolutely adore!) took us out to the polo. I hadn’t disclosed BG to anyone, and I was worried it might be a bit awkward.

BG took this pic of us…

It wasn’t weird. They were divine.

Love this ‘kid.’