Generational

Having a weekend with my baby girl.

As we drove to our destination, we were chatting. She was telling me a lot about her recent breakup from her longest term boyfriend.

Then, she asked about her uncle, my brother, who has been living with me for nearly a year. He lives in my barn loft. Trying to heal from his own broken heart.

Recently, he had a relapse, and stupidly ranted his brokenness at his ex. It was selfish, damaging, and uncool. Total grey rock fail.

An aside from my brief chat with my daughter. After this incident, he and I talked. I asked him how I can help him. That in my opinion, he needs more help, in the form of counselling. It’s been over two years, and whilst we know there is no timeline for healing, there kinda is for not going off on rants. For not contacting the source of the pain. You just HAVE to exercise some self restraint.

Back to the moment. Dee said, “please don’t tell me anymore. I don’t want to hear you talk about him anymore.”

I was kinda gobsmacked. Stunned into silence. She’d spent nearly an hour talking about her ex. I’d spent less than a minute, answering her question about her uncle.

I drove in silence. Quietly seething that she shut me down in such a seemingly selfish manner. But knowing to keep my mouth shut.

A few minutes later, she spoke up. “He was the last  man in my life, who I thought wasn’t trash.”

Ah, okay. I get it.

I remained quiet.

Then said, “surely not all men. You know nice men you work with/have worked with. Your brother. Your friends. You’ve just spent a nice weekend with your father.”

“Ha! You mean Rog. He’s trash. Just because he’s related to me, I see him. But he’s still a huge piece of trash.”

I looked at her sadly, “I’m sorry you feel that way. Maybe things will change with more time. But I understand. You saw a lot of awful things.

That’s on me.

I should have left the first time I knew he was a cheater. I don’t know if I’ll really ever forgive myself for believing him and putting you through that. Allowing you to witness all that hard. I’m sorry. I thought he was better than this. I thought we were worth more than he did. I should have left.”

We’re here. It’s quiet. Relaxing. Lovely. I love that we can do this.

But there is enormous guilt.

I honestly believed his words. His charm. His love bombing. When he told me I was the love of his life, it felt real. His eyes, his touch.

His fake remorse.

I thought it was safe to stay and try to heal WITH him.

You never fully forgive yourself. Not for the pain you allowed.

But I especially struggle with what my children witnessed. I failed them, as a parent. To protect them from what I experienced in my young adult life, and tried so hard to NEVER have my children affected this way.

My youngest doesn’t believe there are good men. That truly sucks.

Better for her. Revisited

Possibly the very worst aspect of having loved someone for over thirty years, even throughout them cheating long term, and the difficult work of finding your feet again somehow, is when they do it again, and leave for the “better option” of another affair partner.

He’s better for her.

And I earned that. I worked my butt off for the life she walked into.

The anguish is nearly unbearable, and the dreams last night were of their loved up life in a sunny climate, while I battle the demons every which way. Fucking PTSD. Struggling not to hurt this little body more.

I wonder what changed in him? Why does he think she deserves the best of him, when I gave more than any partner I have ever met?

Then you do try to soothe yourself with platitudes and things people believe about the lack of reform.

I actually think he at least believes he is reformed. Will love her more, better. That Trinket somehow deserves better than I got.

What has changed in this person so that the next time a crisis occurs or they aren’t feeling loved and special they don’t opt to go fuck another person?

SpaghettiSam

I borrowed this from the artist, formerly known as a reformed cad.

Who really knows?

I used to believe we were so incredibly in tune with each other. Truly bonded. That we complemented each other in ways no one else did.

We were kinda somehow special.

Yeah right.

Leanne tore that to shreds.

I believed him every time I asked if he was doing something damaging to us by having her in his life.

Every time.

Blind faith that if he did something to hurt me he would immediately confess and try to make it right.

I was such a goddamn fool.

I was a superb partner who loved him as much as it’s humanly possible to love.

And I was never enough…

Climbing out. A how to guide?

Obviously, I still struggle a lot more than I would like to think I ‘should.’

In my day to day life, I am actually incredibly functional. “Fine.” I don’t refer to my struggle, I am personable, hard working, pleasant, fun even. I put the unbearable here. Because there is nowhere for it in real life.

I was warned prior to embarking on EMDR as trauma therapy, that things would most likely get worse – possibly a lot worse 😱 – before they got better.

Oh yep. They have. The ideation is back again. I lay awake all of last night fighting the urges. Picturing my children’s faces. Drawing on their loving and quirky words. They really are good sorts, who show me a lot of love.

And I wondered yet again why I am not flying yet? And read this cool little passage from Spaghetti Sam.

A commenter over on Chump Lady pointed out that another way to protect yourself and to try to wade through the good and the bad was to listen closely when a person describes why they are no longer with their ex. Do they give you a short and to the point answer? Or do they offer up vague explanations with little to no detail? We grew apart sounds so much better than I cheated and he/she threw me out. She’s turned the kids against me sounds a lot better than I walked out on my kids and haven’t seen them in three years.

Generally, if a person has nothing to hide and is not the one at fault you’ll hear things like: He beat me. She slept with my best friend. He had a gambling problem. She drank too much. He had an untreated mental illness. She had a drug problem. He gave me an STD.

If they’re the one at fault though, it’s not uncommon to hear: We grew apart. I needed to find myself. She didn’t appreciate me. He wasn’t supportive of me. I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him. It was complicated.

Yep. I know how I was painted. To Trinket, but also to some friends. I did not help my cause, because a few years earlier, I wanted out. And told one of my best friends. She told Roger’s best mate. So, when he begged me to stay, and I did, embarking on a very difficult journey, I wasn’t able to retract that story. I was set up so well for, she doesn’t love me anymore, etc.

I kick myself every day for that. And for not being able to communicate to Rog that I might just be getting better. I did not want to promise him something I might not be able to deliver. I needed to be absolutely sure, and I indicated that I wanted to talk to him about it all after the thesis was submitted, would he please wait for me. I did tell him every day that I loved him. He promised me he would wait. He wrote notes telling me I was the only one for him. He’d wait forever. I have them. So I know I received these promises. Except he was never waiting. He was out, sourcing my replacement, ensuring his bed would never be empty. You know, “Just in case.”

And THAT is the source of so much of my pain. That I believed I had time, openness, honesty and a plan to try to get better.

From what HE did. He never tried to do better. Be better. He just sat behind a screen, literally charming the pants off anyone gullible enough not to dig deeper.

He just sat there, trolling for an easier option. No work on himself. I am gutted he didn’t love me enough to try harder to fix himself, learn why he did what he did.

But I bet he’s told Trinket he learned so much, will be better for her. Because she earned that, right???? 🤢🤮

I was given a very awesome kick in the pants this morning. A very wise woman, whom I LOVE, asked some blunt questions. And she totally nailed it.

I have been ruminating on why you, your personality (from what I know of you, only what you have shared obviously) if you still don’t blame yourself for not healing faster, or for not getting out on your own terms, for living together so long without truly reconciling, or truly splitting up. If the love story is a deflection from reality. Do you feel like somehow it’s your fault, or you lost. You thought he would wait, but he obviously didn’t. I feel a lot of competition with you guys throughout the time we have been chatting, quite a while now. I felt the competitive feeling and poor me attitude from Rog while we were there. Not hard to see as he often said stuff like, “see, she’s not nice to me.” or “see, I can’t do anything right.” With that attitude he wasn’t going to do any of the heavy lifting, or any of the lifting. Do you blame yourself for holding out for your own needs, and then losing him? or for staying knowing you should have left? I’m sure you are dealing with all this in therapy, and I am someone who always tries to figure things out. I know in our earlier conversations/comments on the blog/whatever, that you wanted out. You said you thought you just couldn’t get past it and you were staying for financial and practical reasons and because D was still home… and even said at one point she asked you stay while she was abroad… not leave while she was gone. Do you blame yourself because you didn’t just do what you feel you should have done once you realized you weren’t thriving by staying? On YOUR terms, not Rog’s terms. I’m not trying to tear open wounds, or blame you for anything, AT ALL, because obviously no one blames you… but I think you blame yourself. You lost him. But what was your end goal when you were staying because of financial reasons? Did you really think the healing was still about you? Because from an outsider’s point of view, it never was. Yes, you bettered yourself. You took charge of your own life, to fuck with Rog, and got your degrees. All that was for you. Why do you think once the paper was done that you were ready to make things work with Rog? Had you truly gotten past everything through researching and writing the paper, or because potentially he was out the door? A challenge? It confuses me because I would have thought you would have been more ready to leave at that point. Sorry for being so blunt. I care about you so much and I know facing our own demons is the only way out. By demons, I mean the things that hold us back from being and having what we really want, is about truth. Being truthful to ourselves even if it hurts. You are so much. So many things, you just you, by yourself. I think Rog is the deflection. He doesn’t deserve you, and you know it. I know you still love him, but he’s toxic. He never played by the rules… he’s a cheater. You were playing a game with a cheater. But you knew that for quite some time. I know I can’t help you heal, but I do think Rog cheating and leaving on his terms has been a huge blow. Trinket is the distraction. She’s nothing but a pawn. Anyway, I’m just blabbering on because I feel so useless and I know you are just trying to talk it out. Please know I care deeply about you and I want you to feel good, safe, strong. xoxo

Yeah. It’s blunt. But true. And said with love.

I do blame myself. I do feel like I walked through the fire only to find – more damn fire. I did not communicate my healing part of my journey correctly. I am furious with myself for again putting his needs and wants above my own, and it still failing! Yes. We always had a bit of a power struggle going on. I deferred a LOT! He likes his women to be beneath him, obviously. It’s why he chose a mousey, older replacement. He never wanted an equal, and the kids have all identified that he was … intimidated by/mad about my education He did nothing, but wait, and have a pity party because I was so hurt by what HE did.

So, the end result of that is that I MUST climb out. TODAY! I must be awesome. I must be happy, successful, productive. I bought my first new designer lingerie since he left. Got refitted for bras, for me, no one else will see these. OMG, my slimmer body looks fantastic! Who even is that sexy old chick? 🤣😂🤣

I look back on how damn hard we both worked. Farming is hard yakka. And my work ethic is huge. Today, I spent the day drafting sheep, doing weeds, planning my regrassing and autumn fertiliser programme. I did a feed budget, and calculated how many cattle I think I can now winter, with that hay in the barn. I looked to see what weaners are making. I looked at increasing my ewe flock. And I delivered a ram a few hours away, and caught up with a fabulous friend who is making and selling candles in secondhand crystal she is sourcing. I’m burning one now, and it is insanely good

So, my own pity party must have a reprieve. I have to do better, be better. After all, there is only this one precious life.