Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum


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Intent

I didn’t mean to hurt you.

This was Roger’s calling card.

I usually just sat silently with it.

When the stupid came out of his mouth.

But really?

What did you think would happen, dude?

You didn’t think.

Because you were so clever. You would never get caught.

They are never concerned about consequences.

Or pain.

It’s all exciting.

Erotic.

A rush of adrenaline.

Until we know.

And the pain is ugly.

And yeah, guess what? Fucking painful.

Damn.

Bugger.

Fuck.


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Kiddos

Dinner with my little (23 year old!) girl last night. Delayed Mothers’ Day catch up. She had delivered boutique gin and gorgeous earrings on Sunday. From them all. I just cooked a chook, roasties and a rocket salad.

We talked. She’s having a rough time the last few days. An overthinking, anxiety suffering woman, we talk a lot. I try to ensure I just listen, only offering advice if invited.

Definitely jaded. Definitely affected by our split. Quite despondent about men, in general. I try to encourage her to realise that not all men are like her father. But she is seeing a lot of the entitled behaviour of men. Patriarchy in action. And her current boyfriend is reasonably on board with his own, and her needs, but not yet nailing communication.

If anyone ever really does!

It makes me hurt, seeing how she has been affected. I know she has zero respect for Roger, and contempt for Trinket. I can’t change that. I don’t talk EVER about them, with her. I wanted to know if her sperm donor got in touch any of the recent times he’s been up here, but didn’t. I steer well clear these days.

She’s been really messed up by his behaviour. I understand. I had the same experience as her, just a few years younger.

Serial cheating fathers do a number on us.

Like me, I guarantee my kids would swear they were fine.

Not affected whatsoever.

I thought I had it sussed, too.

Anxiety is one of the mental health issues we know can be caused, or at least exacerbated, by parental infidelity.

She saw me fighting so hard to heal from his affair with my friend.

And to see him do it again, after seeing the agony he caused then, it blew her mind.

She has zero respect for him. And I see that her eye rolls dismiss the whore he left us for as a total cunt.

I see how she is affected. Because I know her path. I’ve walked it, too.

Years later, and after some therapy meant to put a finger on my anxiety, my therapist explained that my father’s cheating had a huge impact on my childhood, which of course I knew, but she surprised me when she linked his infidelity to my anxiety today.

I told my father.

We were happy kids, dammit!

He definitely doesn’t think it affects me now. He says I’m fine, that I need to just calm down. I have a house, and great kids, a good job, a husband who loves me. I’m totally fine! He did his job!

I don’t fully trust my husband

A father is the first man a little girl trusts. He is the first man she loves and the first man to teach her about the love of a man. You’ve heard this all before. She believes in everything he says and every man that comes after him will be measured against him. But what if he’s good to his daughter, but not good to his wife?

What happens when the daughter of a serial cheater becomes a wife?

Not only did my father not hide his infidelities, but as I grew older, he shared his theories on why men cheat. The one that sticks out the most is a common excuse used by cheating men— if a woman is not giving her husband sex on the regular, he will go get it elsewhere. My father claimed to be telling me this to help me, so that it wouldn’t happen to me.

Looking back on it now, I believe he told me these things to convince himself that he was only doing what was natural, so that he wouldn’t have to face the very real fact that he was hurting his family.

I went out into the world believing that sex=loved. I gave myself over to a string of losers, thinking that as long as I did what they wanted, they would love me.

Guess what? They cheated on me anyway.”

Yup. I agree.

Just this week, my daughter fainted at work. She’s a slight girl. Always been little. Is a grazer. I have an anorexic niece, and I have watched my smallest kid, quietly, but like a hawk. She has pernicious anaemia, and watches her nutrition. Eats well, but grazes, rather than eats like a horse.

She was asked by her boss if they should be worried about her eating. She was mortified.

That said, I know weight is a touch point when your father is a cheater. I always felt overweight when I was with slim Rog. My curves were a daily fight for me. I hated my post baby body.

I constantly worry about my weight

Another one of my father’s theories for why men cheat, is that women get fat when they settle down. They stop taking care of themselves. Because of this, my mother would constantly try to find ways to have him validate her. She’d see an overweight woman cross in front of our car and she’d ask him if that’s how she looks (she never did). My father would laugh and assure her that she was nowhere near the size of that woman. My mother would lift her head and feel good all day at the expense of that poor woman who unknowingly crossed our toxic path. This happened a lot. It didn’t matter that my mother didn’t look like that woman, he still cheated.

So, it doesn’t matter how many times my husband assures me that he loves my curves, because of my father’s infidelity, I still wonder if my husband will leave me if and when I get too fat.

I know my mother felt this pressure, too.

Not thin enough.

Not pretty enough.

Not sexy enough.

Not clever enough.

Not wealthy enough.

Not good enough.

Not enough.

I love my kids. And I see the eldest ignore, or suck it up.

I was her.

She didn’t see what he did to me. She wasn’t there the night he knocked me out cold because I called him out on fucking his whore in my house. She is closer to her father than either of the others.

I get it. I see the varying degrees my brothers and I have tolerance for/relationships with, our cheating father.

But, selfish people will always be selfish people.

Roger never thought of consequences when he was desperately getting his dick wet in strange.

Not to him.

Not to me.

Certainly not to our kids.

He would never have thought or cared about how much damage he did. To this day, he would deny it.

Underplay it.

He’s a great guy, remember?

And Trinket is just a terrible person. Who didn’t give a fuck that I existed. That I loved him entirely. That I sacrificed for him because I adored him.

That our children believed he was sorry for his cheating, too.


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I never meant to hurt you

Actual picture of Roger and me after his AP told me about their affair.

He wasn’t sorry when I didn’t know.

Just another garden variety cheating man.


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Who they really are

Read a story about a cheater, who cheated.

Married the AP. And XW sucked it all up, “for the sake of the children.”

Guess what???

Fifteen years later, he cheated on the perfect AP. And the first wife is mad at him. For the stepmother (who was the AP.) WTF???

She claims it’s not who he is.

Come on! He cheats. He feels entitled to cheat when he’s not the centre of someone’s attention 24/7.

Ask me how I know!

I loved entirely, and believed the man I loved for thirty years, when he said he was sorry. And would never do it again.

Then did it again. FML.

Yeah, right!

Feeling sorry for an AP, no matter how long they have been with the man they “stole” from a faithful, loving, long term partner, is kinda insane.

They knew the men they were fucking had families. Partners who adored them.

When it happens to them – and it almost always does – that’s just the consequences of choosing a cheater.

I’ve seen it over and over in my friends and acquaintances. I lived it, FFS! Usually relationships started by cheating (I’ve never cheated on, or with anyone. Ever.) between about seven to twenty-five years. The affair couple either break up, usually over more cheating, or there is cheating, and the original AP eats the shit sandwich of, “oh well, I can’t be surprised, s/he’s a cheater, after all,” and stays.

One friend stayed out of guilt. Because she cheated WITH him to start with. She believed she deserved it.

Rog was SOOO sorry. But only because Leanne exposed their affair. He was never going to.

Then he did it again. And again.

Because this is who they really are.


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Flat

Feeling a tad flat.

Let down even.

Which is unfair really.

I had my terrifying job interview today. Don’t feel I did that well, which is disappointing, because I think I would love this job.

Dammit.

And, the barman didn’t say good morning.

I do often, and just left it today. I didn’t hear from him until nearly lunchtime. And that was because the anniversary gift I sent him arrived a day early. He sent a text to say I was naughty, spoiling him, yada, yada…

We have a (leap) year under our belts tomorrow.

In this iteration, at least. One year since I slept with the second man I ever have, lol. One year since the first time (and the second, through to sixth 🤣🍆💦 times) we made love.

OMG! How the hell did that even happen???

So, he thanked me and wished me well for the interview.

I knew he was a bit off. Has been all week.

Work stress.

Anyway, he admitted he is pissed at himself about some meeting prep he hasn’t done enough of.

Because I was home by 4.30pm, I offered to come over. To be there for him.

I told him (for the first time ever) that I needed a hug.

He said he did too, but not to come over, he’d be terrible company.

Fair enough.

But I am a bit disappointed. I admitted I needed him. I am pretty sure I have never done that before.

And he wasn’t able to be that person for me today.

It’s okay.

I’m a big girl who has been dealing with my shit on my own for a few years now.

But yeah, I’m flat.

Literally.

On my back with the worst cramps ever. Hot water bottle, ibuprofen and wicked pain. Lucky barman missing out on this!

Oh, and my friend L’s STBX is being a twat. Ranting and raving that their eldest (22) has turned his siblings (20 and 18) against him.

Um, no. You cheated and lied and left the family for your Schmoopie under lockdown.

It’s called consequences, dude. They are these annoying things that happen when you do the wrong thing.

She’s so scared of him still. And so surprised he does all the things that I predict he will. Cheater playbook. So predictable.

I am gonna try to sleep the pain off.

Ouch.


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The problem with having been cheated on

Mistrust.

It’s something I had never experienced in my relationship prior to that fateful night when Leanne texted me that she had been fucking my beloved.

I just never really thought he had that propensity.

Let alone the ability to continue to lie and trickle truth the hell out of what he’d been doing for the previous year and a half!

At first, it was a “oh, maybe twice,” thing. It took weeks for me to realise/uncover the truth, that this affair was not a once or twice, ‘whoops, I accidentally fell into her vagina with my dick, fingers, duck caller, mouth, whatever else I could shove into her,’ thing, but a long term, emotionally entangled full blown affair, where he talked with her multiple times per day, giving and receiving emotional support, considered leaving us, and had made plans about where they would live, etc…

That completely wiped me out.

And he never understood or accepted that he had broken something truly precious, and that trust, whilst it can be repaired to a certain level, meant he now had to be incredibly patient, and the rules of who we were together were forever changed.

This article explains it well.

He did ALL of the wrong things here.

Every one of them listed in this article.

EVERY ONE.

He continued to lie and keep secrets, he was never fully transparent, in “recovery.” He did not accept that he needed to provide emotional support for me from hereon in, and he continued to cheat. Two years of secret internet dating is the tip of that iceberg.

There was to be no more secrets, no more stupid, blind trust from me. Everything had to be open and honest, FOREVER!

A bit triggered. It’s quite hard with kids. I arrived home to my beautiful son curled up in my bed this morning before work. He’d been at his father’s for the weekend, providing his professional services. And it hurt. I can’t explain it, but it does. Even though I understand and accept he is their father, any contact with him (and inevitably that bitch who had the last affair with him, whom he left me for) without me being around is quietly achy. So painful.

But so inevitable, and I do accept that.

It’s those times I kinda wish he’d ghosted them like he has me, and a couple of my betrayed wife friends’ kids have been.

Like his sister’s kids’ sperm donor did.

That is far easier on the betrayed spouse.

But I know this is healthier for the kids in the long term.

So hard to smile. But of course I ALWAYS do.

I have no choice.

And yeah, his cheating makes me incredibly wary. Who else is going to use me and lie to me? BG and myself are not really anywhere near the intimacy level that I felt with the father of my children.

He will never embrace my pregnant or lactating body. I don’t trust him with my life.

Last night, as he was cleaning his house, he took the roller brush out of his vacuum, and it was badly clogged.

With MY hair! So weird. I’m not there that often! So that indicated to me that the trauma is still causing massive hair loss.

And, bizarrely, I freaked out. Invisibly.

What if he’s angry I am messing up his place with my hair??? And thought, phew, with my unique colour, at least it is only my hair we can see here …

Which is stupid. He has never shown the slightest propensity to anger at me. And he mentioned the hair, expressing only concern, for the first time. He has obviously seen my cover up tattoo for the cervical cancer surgery scar from the lymphectomy I had last year. I briefly explained that a while ago, when he asked, but we have never talked about it much. He probably did not realise my hair loss was not caused by chemotherapy (I had only radiotherapy), but by trauma.

Infidelity causes far more long lasting trauma than even I ever acknowledged.

It is mind boggling that anyone who has been cheated on (both Rog and Trinket…) could ever inflict this kind of pain on a loyal spouse. That just does my head in. If we still live and sleep together, if one party has no idea the other is dating other people? WTF!

And I truly believe being cheated on AGAIN, then left for the OW this time, caused far more, deeper trauma than the affair with Leanne.

All that work to forgive and heal, all such a gigantic waste of time, and emotional energy.

FML.


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“I’m still grieving…”

Fun share, peeps.

Thankfully I am in a better space at the moment than I have been for two years.

My youngest shared that her father “is lonely,” (WTF??? He’s a social person, surely he has a host of new, exciting friends?)

And that she had a full on, hormonally fuelled, screaming Banshee meltdown at him when she went down a few months ago.

Something she never does.

She’s a bit more of a sulker. Withdraws rather than stomps her feet, as a rule.

#Anxiety.

His reply to her?

“I’m still dealing with the intense grief that I couldn’t make it work with your mother.”

Snort.

Riiiiiight.

Considering he eagerly ran to another woman, spending hours online trawling real estate websites, to buy property near her. Putting her on a pedestal (“she’s such a trinket…”)

Considering I begged and begged him to believe my healing, that I totally prostrated and embarrassed myself by continuing to have hot and heavy sex with him, my one and only ever lover, my loyalty to him, despite the fact that he was sleeping with yet another woman, pleading him to please not leave me, I loved him with everything I had…FFS. He couldn’t make it work. 🤦‍♀️

Anyway. It’s been months since we mentioned him, other than that she was asking him for some money to buy new work shoes.

Thankful I heard this bullshit when I am moving towards meh at a better rate.

Getting antsy. Can’t wait to get on that plane in 48 hours, get out of the cold wet snap that has hit here.