Don’t get me started on platitudes.
The things people say when someone’s grief, or trauma, is deemed “too ugly.”
When those not suffering try to squash the ugliness, to screen it from view, because it makes them uncomfortable.
Don’t Lose Hope lists some of the worst sentences people use.
Hey, look. I get it. Trauma (and/or grief) is messy. Everyone wants to look away.
But, these are things that people have said to me.
And they are incredibly invalidating, painful and uncompassionate.
“Just let it go.”
“Are you over it yet?”
“Try to focus on the positives.”
“It’s going to be OK …”
“You still have so much to be thankful for.”
“At least you can be grateful that …”
“Fake it till you make it.”
“Let me tell you what happened to me …”
“At least it’s not bad as what happened to X.”
“One day you’ll look back, and be grateful that it happened.”
“It will all work out for the best in the end.”
Yeah. The toxic shame that created about my trauma has been almost as bad as what Roger did to me over the period of DDay #1 to final discard – almost a decade.
Why can’t she just get over it?
Because I invested.
He had my heart. My soul. My body. My identity was formed by being his partner, his children’s mother, his parents’ loving, only daughter-in-law, his free labour unit, by sacrificing my own hopes and dreams, and adopting and supporting his.
After he cheated, long term, giving me diseases and severe anxiety, I read everything, went to ALL the therapy, completed two first class honours degrees…and stayed with him. Because I loved him, and believed in him.
That’s why the pain is permanent. Why I work really mindfully EVERY day, to rebuild me. It doesn’t come easily. It’s constant, draining work…
And when you relax, or think you’ve healed, the panic goes off…