I’ve always had a keen sense of justice, it was part of my idealism in going to law school from high school.
I was brought up to respect (and tell) the truth, even when it might get you in trouble.
We were never punished heavily for telling the truth. But hell were we what if we lied!
One of my mother’s sayings that still rings in my ears is, “better a thief than a liar be.”
I took it to mean that more damage is done by liars than thieves. Lies can destroy families and relationships. They can cause wars. Lies can twist facts to the extent that they affect not only individuals, but societies, nations, the world as a whole.
So, no wonder I struggled with my cheating father’s lies. When we had this repeatedly reinforced, throughout our childhood. Hypocrite.
No wonder the cheating, then the MORE cheating affects me so permanently. So deeply.
I am constantly scanning everything, everyone, for lies, omissions, tweaks of the truth.
Roger is an expert at lying by omission especially. He even told me a few times after Leanne that his ability to lie so brilliantly, surprised even him when I queried him about how the hell he looked me in the eye and denied any wrongdoing several times.
He stole my reality.
And I have not ever recovered that loss.
When I was in counselling, I realised he learned this at his father’s knee.
His dad is a nice old man.
But he tells lies.
He probably sees them as white lies.
I realised this quite early in those thirty years.
It wasn’t big. Just “little,” “innocent,” lies. I worked out years later that this was his gentle, passive aggressive way of getting people to do what he wanted. His intellect was not as sharp as his wife’s, so he made things up to get what he wanted done, or across.
Roger is incredibly charming, a loving, smiling assassin. He will have the meek, mild little affair tolerant Trinket wrapped around his finger. Too easy. Learned behaviour.
BG told me something minor the other day, said something that happened on xyz was affecting him. Later, I looked for proof of what he said, and wasn’t easily able to find xyz.
It wasn’t a big deal.
But, a red flag was raised, and it flaps gently over there, in my peripheral vision.
He has appeared to be an open book. He NEVER hides his phone, or turns the screen away from my eyes. There is no passcode on it. When I have asked about anything from his past, he’s immediately answered, and if I fact check (with friends, family, exes, etc) the stories are truthful. He values honesty. And says it is all he really has to offer.
I’m no prude and he appreciates that. Chrissy (and others) have previously disapproved of several things he does. He admits that made him hide things she didn’t like. Like smoking some weed with friends, pretty innocent stuff really. I am cool with whatever he wants to do to, and with his body, as long as he respects that I don’t want to share him sexually.
Or not without a very robust discussion, lol.
When I was propositioned about this possibility, I asked him what his thoughts are, and he made it abundantly clear that he is not up for foursomes with friends 😂😂😂. Which suits me just fine…awkward…
And I value truth over almost everything else.
A horsey friend posted this on a select women’s collective page we are members of. It is a group that has nothing to do with infidelity or divorce, thankfully. Just about empowerment, kindness and love. It spoke to me in a myriad of ways.
I know Roger and Trinket rode off into the sunset, thinking the sun shone out of each other’s arses. That they did nothing wrong. Or if they did, that they “deserved” happiness. At any cost. They haven’t given a backwards glance to the destruction and utter devastation their selfishness caused. The kids and I were just casualties of war. Not living breathing, loyal, loving partner and children who were shoved around, moved house without our input. The kids were never too thrilled with the move to the last farm, either.
And in my case, cheated on, fucked with his dirty, diseased dick, given life threatening conditions, at his whim. He left, and not once did he enquire how my cancer treatment was going. What was my prognosis? Was I going to survive? Surgery? Chemo? Radiotherapy? Drugs? How even was I? That woman who bore his kids, whom he lied to and told was the love of his life. Who he hoped he would find his way back to one day 🤦♀️
That was just his way of keeping me on the line, in case it didn’t work out with Trinket. Just as he always has. When I was in the UK, and he was sex shopping with the local women. When he was fucking Leanne, not telling me, in case it didn’t work out with Leanne.
Cancered me just thrown away as yesterday’s sad rubbish. Not a sparkly new unfettered by natural childbirth Trinket vagina, with all her sparkliness. He told me I lost my sparkle. Yeah, he stole that for a good long while.
They just walk away, blowing up what we thought was a really good life, and leaving us betrayed gasping for air like landed fish who were caught just for sport.
I know that after trying to for a decade, I will never understand why. I will never untangle the skein. I wish I could stop trying. 🤷♀️
I also know that I loved hard and true and that neither of them will never apologise for messing with my mental health, because they somehow feel that the end justified the devastating means. Their blissfulness was worth sacrificing me for.
Their love is bigger, better, more worthy. Right? I wasn’t worthy of love.
I loved hard.
It’s what I do.
And it’s scary AF. Because, for other people, somehow I am never enough. Okay?
I’m enough. Just loved the wrong man. Far too much. For far too long. It aches. So very, very badly.
I know how Trinket feels right now. That she’s won the love jackpot.
Because I felt that way until I knew about him fucking Leanne under my nose.
Until he replaces you just like that, and you realise you were just an appliance to be used up.
Anyway. Home now. Bled out my pain for today, it’s obviously a tired pain wave hitting again. It will pass.
Need to wash my hair and snuggle down nice and warm.
I miss my barman’s snuggles.
Love you all. Stay strong. Stay kind ❤