Losing your life partner to another woman, on the surface, seems like a lucky escape.
If your partner, your soulmate, the “love of your life,” chooses another woman, well, he’s the trash who took himself out, right?
I mean, I was told I was beautiful, the sexiest woman he’d ever known, a great cook, a loving and deserving, loyal partner, the only woman for him.
And yeah, he kept cheating. Secrets and lies. Decades of them.
So why do you feel like the world’s stupidest woman, biggest loser? Why are you so damn heartbroken?
Because I am.
Incredibly and achingly broken hearted.
Yes, I’m doing okay. A lot better mostly…but I still hurt. Still dive off the cliff on the regular.
The root of my pain never leaves me. Losing my reality to the lies. The terror of a future of more STIs, more cancer, but mostly the horrific vulnerability. The fear. The mistrust. Will I be played again? That I trusted, then fought my own instincts to learn to trust again, then was thrown under the bus for yet another woman. So how can I trust a complete stranger? Someone I haven’t known my whole life?
That is how Roger treats the love of his life. The only woman for him.
Dr Craig Eric Morris, a relationship researcher, co-writing about infidelity, and the effects of being the abandoned betrayed, explains the grief, and how that contributes to huge personal growth in the betrayed, as opposed to the betrayer/cheater, who just bed other women to self soothe, and never really has to have a good long hard look at themselves and their abusive, selfish actions.
both men and women report intense feelings and among both sexes, the “rejected” suffered significantly higher levels of post-relationship grief compared to “breakup initiators.”
Oh. Yeah. That grief. “Significantly higher levels.” It still absolutely sears. The pain is next level. Roger will NEVER get it. I know.
And that is why I know it will never be over or gone. I just keep weaving it as neatly as possible to my life’s tapestry, the flaw that I can mostly deal with, but know it’s there. Always.
I do also try to remind myself what Trinket won. I know she will feel loved, cherished, delighted in her prize.
But she won a man away from someone who loved him extremely deeply, so much so that she spent eight years wrestling with her instincts that he was once a cheater, always a cheater. I saw some of the red flags, but desperately tried to justify them. (He kept in touch with Leanne, refusing to change his number, he told me it was to manage her crazy. Fucking her again two years later, was a great tactic in that regard, right? Oh, but I was the only woman for him, so that’s okay then.)
So, Becky With the good Hair – I mean, Trinket (with the frizzy hair, whoops!) …
Morris and his colleagues conclude the woman who loses her mate will go through a period of personal growth. Her post-relationship grief and betrayal will ultimately give way to knowledge that will help her detect low-value mates. (Unfortunately, they do not offer statistics on what actually happens in the aftermath of mate poaching.) Conversely, the researchers say, the ‘other woman’ is stuck in a relationship with a partner who has a demonstrated history of deception.Morris CE, Reiber C, Roman E. Quantitative Sex Differences in Response to the Dissolution of a Romantic Relationship. Evolutionary Behavioral Sciences. 2016.
Morris CE, Beaussart ML, Reiber C, Krajewski LS. Intrasexual Mate Competition and Breakups: Who Really Wins? The Oxford Handbook of Women and Competition. 2016.
Doesn’t really help me deal with my pain. Because I know Trinket doesn’t get it. She hasn’t had the revelation, that he “loves” the one he’s with. That neither she, nor I, are special or beloved. Just tools to make him not feel alone or worthless.
He has never once been alone. Had to reflect on his actions. Who he is. Had to live with what he did to the most loyal person he EVER had in his life. There is no remorse. No idea of how close he pushed me to the edge. My epic battle to just survive his abuse and discard.
I know I will never get a heartfelt apology from either of them, because they did nothing wrong.
If only. If only she (or he) felt remorse for actively and willingly stabbing me repeatedly in the heart.