When I’m in pain, I go quiet. To the outside world. I use this blog to keep breathing. Outside of here, I am holding my breath.
BG noticed. He said I worry him sometimes.
I know we are supposed to be partners. But I don’t want to long distance worry him. He has enough on his plate, and I can’t be held by him. Eight weeks. Of needing. But trying to suck it up. He asked me yesterday if I am okay. Had I forgotten him. No messages all day. I eventually replied that I felt fair to middling.
I have several friends, happily married, etc, who are really struggling this lockdown. In fact, I don’t know anyone who is coping very well. We are in Covid jail, for so few cases. All linked. All from known clusters, already isolating. With high vaccination rates, we still can’t get time off our sentence, for good behaviour.
We can’t get a damn haircut, or go to the dentist, because 2 people tested positive yesterday, in our region. I can’t drive the hour and a half, over the barbed wire wall of this prison, to get a hug from my boy. We can’t touch other people. My sweet married friends have no idea really, at my sensory deprivation. Not to say their struggles to deal with this are any less than mine. Just different. At least they have their beloveds with them. Roger would be super snuggly in this situation. He was so good at physical affection. He made me feel like the sexiest thing ever.
I think I portray a strong, confident exterior. But my silence gave me away yesterday. Ugh. BG started digging, asking me to talk to him. So, I replied with this.
I had no idea I’d done anything to make him worry. I mean, one very busy day at work, when I didn’t message him during the day. That enough to make someone worried for me? He has no idea of my permanent pain over the loss of my life with my previous love. I mean, he knows I got hurt. But not the extent of the damage.
I feel like I’m failing at life again. That Roger was right. I’m not good enough. That he left because of me.
Not him. Not his neediness. His brokenness. His inability to self soothe. He left me because I am not enough. I know you understand my meaning here. The depression is telling me very convincing lies.