Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum


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Pining

Missing someone is always a bit shit. Stink being so far apart, and having not seen that barman for a while.

But nothing compared to how I pined for Rog when we were apart.

I can remember him coming back from a two week hunting trip, when our eldest was a toddler. He told me how the other boys were all so happy to “get away from the ball and chain.”

But not him. He missed me like crazy. Said it was physical pain.

I often wonder if he tells Trinket the same lies.

I still ache for him. Again, not this him. The him I thought he was.

The way I ached for him when I was in the UK, and he was off fucking the whole town. I mean, it was okay, we were separated. But I fucked no one. And ached for him, while we wrote to each other three times a week.

Ugh. He really made me believe we were destined for each other.

A fully grown, supposedly intelligent woman. FFS 🤦‍♀️


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Rinse. Repeat.

Into my fourth week without seeing BG.

I’ve kept busy. Lots of maintenance around my wee block of land. Yesterday, I picked up all the fallen branches and twigs under my avenue of planes. And we had a bonfire. My city dwelling 11 and 9 year old nephew and niece were thrilled. I bought marshmallows and made hot chocolate, and they had fun toasting them on the embers.

But I am hating this. Enforced separation.

So, I sleep poorly. And work hard at keeping positive and keeping busy.

I am starting to draw some lines from my intense bond that I formed with my love, Roger, and how I deal with new love going forward. I know I am damaged. Fragile. Defensive. But I also commit. Deeply.

So, nearly a month without seeing my boy has been intense. Rog and I spent so much time together. We were rarely apart. I’m way more apart from BG than with him, even without lockdown.

To the point where his patrons have asked him if we have split up.

And tonight, his mates are phoning and texting him madly. Possibly to see if he’s okay back in bachelor land.

My baby brother is back. His kids flew to their mum’s this morning. He’s been good today, but knows how hard this is. He will see the kids at the end of the month, when he flies down to have oral surgery. Then Xmas. That’s not much hands on parenting for a dad who was fully involved in parenting, coaching, etc.

We had a silly night two nights ago, he invented some cocktails. Which were AWESOME! But 2am. And I was up at 5. Because I never sleep past about 4.30am anymore.

It’s nice having company again. I have been alone for three weeks.

I’m generally good on my own. But, missing my lovely, and knowing I have no other option, makes it harder.

Meanwhile, Norm and Trinket are no doubt having a romantic time down there, with our daughter down south. 🤢🤮

You never really “get over” this kind of grief. Instead, you slowly start to accept and incorporate it into your reality. And you realise how jumpy it has made you. How vulnerable. How fragile. How mistrustful. It SUCKS!!!

Life. Sure is a box of chocolates.


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Ah shit. Noooo!

So, having a bad week.

As you can see from recent posts.

And last night I fell into a despair pit. Knew I was. But tried to rationalise what it was, and why.

I realised I was having my first moment of heart sick, I miss him too much despair. That AWFUL pining feeling. The one I always had when Rog and I were apart.

Except this time it was BG.

DAMN!!! NOOOOOOO!

I don’t want to be this person this time around! Being this person got me broken, anguished, suicidal. I haven’t felt it in the previous almost ten months of being with him.

I was cool.

Accepting of the distance.

Keeping my boundaries wrapped tightly around me.

So why?

Why now?

WTF happened???

I was good alone. And if I repartnered, I wanted for the man to want me almost more than I wanted him. Being the one who is completely disposable/easily replaceable, is too damn scary!

I knew what was happening, and struggled through.

Thankfully this morning, friends helped me with my processing. Why can’t I control my emotional response? I’m not normally a hugely needy person. I mean, I love, love, love touch, snuggles, sharing some life stuff, and frankly, damn good sex. I am an intimacy monster. But I am also quite independent as a rule. Was happy with the way things are. The distance. Etc.

So why did I get quite desperately kinda…lovesick (ick ick ick)…this week? It’s not like I think BG is a soulmate, or any of that crap. We are enjoying each other, and yeah, it’s real. But the icky missing him waaaay too much part is not okay!

Alright?

Listen to me, feelings. Stop that shit!

CrazyKat is like my voice of reason. I totally love how her wisdom, love and words help me on this journey. She was able to get through to me, when I just couldn’t seem to. I knew I was beating myself up for being a dick. But she helped me forgive myself enough to let go of the anger and tightness at myself for being that pathetic dick!

Not pathetic. Don’t beat yourself up. Acknowledge, accept, and be kind to yourself. You are still grieving. There is no time frame on it. Just little reminders that what you feel is normal. No one has walked in your shoes. No one knows what you are feeling. Just try to live in the moment without punishing yourself. ❤️❤️❤️

Yeah.

That.

All that.

I find this the hardest part. Knowing to be kind to me in my grief. But then not being kind to me in my grief! Being told I am being unkind to me by an outsider really seems to help me reground myself in my healing.

Phew.

Thanks, CK. You are such a goddamn gem! She totally understands my grief process…

As you have said all along, it is like grieving for a dead person who is still alive.

Yeah. It really is. And honestly?I know there is no comparison, because loss is loss. But it feels so hard that I can’t remember him as the man I adore. Because that man never existed anywhere except in my imagination.

He was always weak when it came to romance, women, self soothing, being alone.

And ya know, twu wuv and all. Go Trinket! Can’t resist that twu wuv shit, eh?

I knew who he was, and how he was hard wired for female attention, having NEVER been alone. His whole life there has been a girlfriend or partner.

Seriously.

His. Whole. Life.

He met a girl on his first day in London on his OE, who became his girlfriend for the whole period he was there.

After leaving another girlfriend at home when he left…

There have been no single gaps. I even wonder now about me! I mean, he fucked his ex GF when we were three weeks into us.

So, literally overlaps all over.

He just has never, and can never be alone to process his shit. Has to have some warm body to snuggle. To fuck, to share with, to talk to. That was why he landed in Leanne. Because I was not available 24/7, like I had been up until that point.

Needy.

In contrast, I have had to do all of the healing work on my own. Because that really is the only way to get it done. No masking the pain with more adrenaline from the “love” of someone else.

The loving feelings are very addictive. I know, because they have started ramping my shit up a bit. I know missing BG is quite an unhealthy amount of medicating the other feelings of grief.

The problem is, I thought I was ready. Healed enough. To embark on something fun with someone new. But am recognising that I am in huge danger of repeating patterns that set me up to be abused by Rog. I can’t be the one needing “too much” attention. I have to keep concentrating on doing me. Being me. Fighting the addictive lovey dovey feelings that got me in so much trouble the first time! I can’t be that fucked up and vulnerable again. It will kill me!

Holy shit, it is UNBELIEVABLY painful, scary and utterly exhausting being this mindful and terrified.