There is a lot of grief involved with being cast aside, out of your own life.
So much grief, there are not words to describe it.
Today, I read this comment, that doesn’t explain the grief, but certainly describes my lived reality.
“My ex was a filmmaker and I came to see that basically he felt the same way about life as he did one of his movies. He’s the director, calling the shots, and he casts people in the various roles in his life. But when someone doesn’t say their lines correctly or perform their role to his satisfaction, he simply re-casts them with someone who will. His life continues on unchanged, much like a soap opera where they replace an actor and no one ever comments on it. The story just goes on as usual.
So I was in the “wife” role, but when I didn’t play it right (extra frustratingly, none of us are ever given the script) he simply replaced me with OW, who auditioned very hard for my role. I’m sure if he had lived, he would have eventually gotten tired of her “mistakes” (i.e. being a human individual and not his robot) and re-cast her as well, on and on ad infinitum.
I think that’s also a reason why these people so often come back to their exes. They honestly don’t see anything outside of themselves, so it doesn’t occur to them that people have their own lives. Clearly the ex is simply waiting for a callback to reprise his or her role.””
I was recast.
My role wasn’t real, despite me thinking, planning, believing, loving, that this was my life.
That my one true love felt absolutely the same about me.
And some of the flying monkeys, bizarrely, just accepted the recast “wifey” in his soap opera, and didn’t mention a thing. The agony of knowing that “our” friends, many of thirty years, some my lifeling “friends,” were going to dinner with him and that whore, just a week or so after I even knew of her existence, and was still sharing a bed with him, sure he’d come to his senses, was a next level mindfuck! They really came out of the woodwork! Rubber neckers. What did he replace Paula with??? Oh that. Okay. Nothing to see here….fucking crazy!
I know now that I was just being directed. He has others, who cane before (during, after..) me that he feels the same way about.
I wasn’t ever special. I’m just somebody he used to know.
Whereas he was the love of my life. (Yeah, except he wasn’t. I don’t get to have one of those, apparently.)
The same script these guys all use.
Idolise. Devalue. Discard.
I’m on the scrap heap of his life. Used. Rubbish. Of zero value.
The rebuilding is lifelong. Trying to revalue yourself. I don’t know if you ever truly get there really.
The scars are so very deep and painful.