I’m off again…

Jun 19, 2018 by horsesrcumin 4 Comments

Just a quick update.

I was seen yesterday, and swabs, bloods run to start with. The thoughts are that there has been some internal damage done by the radiation, to healthy tissue, which of course is always a risk of radiation treatment. I am also anaemic, and exhausted, so waiting on bloods, they think my blood cell counts are low. Also not unexpected, but more common when chemo and radio have both been used. Results will determine if they need to do anything further.

I am just trying to take care of my emotional and physical health. I mentioned to the team that I have had some dark moments -part of my accountability plan I have when I slip into the pre-suicidal ideation phases, as in, I know I am not very emotionally safe – and have now made an appointment to talk to someone. They said it is really common, this treatment triggers all kinds of emotional responses in even the happiest people, in the happiest times of their lives. They are concerned that I am battling this at the same time as the loss of my primary, and most precious intimate relationship and support system, and acknowledge that they can see that this has been the worst pain I have ever experienced, losing what I thought was my lifetime love. So, strength and perseverance are being re-rallied, yet again.

I went and visited with an old friend on Sunday evening. She called me and I was in the area. I had just delivered a couple of home cooked meals, warming winter slow-cooked stews and the like (I do extra when I am cooking for myself, and put aside some for him every now and then) to my recently widowed father-in-law. This was after walking the dogs at an arboretum I had never visited before, and it was such a good series of things to do for the soul, as I was in that dark corner by Sunday afternoon, my mood echoing the blackness that was oozing from me, yuck! This friend is part of the old friend group in the old town, and we had a lovely red wine by her fire, her husband was in good spirits, and we shared a few laughs, swapping travel plans, and just generally excitedly catching up after a short hiatus. She assured me that they are all slowly waking up to what Roger has done, and who he really is. That she made a huge mistake in doubting my story to start with, believing the liar, she apologised profusely. I said I can’t say anything now, I made that mistake early on. She agreed and said time reveals character. That they are mostly starting to see that I have told the truth, and that I propped his image up, both in everyday life, clothing, feeding, paying bills, etc, and as we worked on trying to heal after his big affair with Leanne. I was quite surprised, as we were talking about other things when she slipped that into the conversation, coming over to me and giving me a huge hug, saying I looked amazing (WTF? Cancer is not attractive! Skinny, and balding is the new attractive? Hmmm.) Adding that I am incredibly strong, and didn’t deserve any of what was dished out, that she is firmly in my camp, and is available anytime to talk, or help with anything. Calling every last scrap of resilience here. Chin up chick! I’ve got this!

God, I miss my boy at these times. Yes, yes, the one who no longer exists, the one who morphed into a middle-aged, midlife crisis caricature, who prefers the widow to his lifetime partner, because, love is a competition, didn’t you know??? And when you fuck one up, you can just replace her with a fresh new one you haven’t scarred. NEXT! Bring me another, I seem to have ruined this one! Dammit. Ugh. I just love. Passionately. Loyally. Deeply. To my own detriment. Dumbass that I am! Ha!

We all know cancer sucks arse (and worse, poor punctuation is bloody deplorable, meme-makers, lol!) But hey, I have a better go at this than many!

Forge on!

After all I have a plane to catch later this afternoon with my youngest daughter, to find out more about transferring to another uni to finish her degree next year. She has just sat her final exam for the semester this morning, and is in good spirits. Am looking forward to it, as is in the city my eldest lives in, and we are catching up, of course.

So, cancer can go fuck itself for a few days. I have some kids to laugh and love with xxx.