Ha! I had a blogging moment last night, wrote a post and it disappeared, the only evidence it ever existed (and I am not going crazy, thinking I had written one, but hadn’t) was the title. I gave up!
Just a meandering post about triggers, mental imagery and how even after five years, two months and two days, and a separate life from TOIL, I still get them. In fact, it might be more relevant to talk about the times I don’t, as I really have had little (no) respite from any of the mental film-festival-of-fucked-up in all this time.
Yesterday’s was a moment that I realised was probably delayed from the few days at the lake. I don’t freak out about sleeping in that bed anymore, but it still goes through my mind, what they did there. I mean, it is pretty sick. I took her there alone, without him, I don’t know why she came? I don’t think it was cover for the affair, as she wanted to uncover it, not keep his secret. I wonder if she was scoping me out, trying to find my underbelly, where she could put the knife in most successfully? I wonder if know that she is a cheapskate, so I guess it was just free holidays. I mean, I get why she came when HE was there, but why would you come and holiday with just me and the kids???
So, the times that we were all there together, I just feel so stupid, and actually really sick about. I mean, he says they never touched while I was there, but I call bullshit. I can imagine that when I was out of the house, that they walked past each other, dragging their fingers over each others’ arses, maybe pants, feeling out the “goods.” This MUST have happened, I mean how can you stay with someone for a week, that you are besotted by, and not cop a feel? Maybe sneaked a quick kiss. He has always denied this. I remember one time we were there and he refused morning sex with me! I mean, in 21 years, he had never refused sex, let alone use-that-morning-hardness sex. He told me it was because our friend (cackling like a hyena here) was in the next room, and the “soundproofing is not so great down here.” I grinned at him with “let’s just do it in silence then, that can be hot!” He wouldn’t. Turns out he had promised her that he wouldn’t fuck me while we were all under the same roof. (Ha, we did, take that bitch, not then, but we did it that night!) I mean, WTF???
I was driving home from uni last night, and felt that hotness, that battle to keep tears at bay, as I remembered (and when I remember, I SEE it in 3D, full Technicolor) how they fucked in our son’s bed. I was at work, and she gleefully drove down. When she arrived, I could see TOIL smile, and grab her hand, as they bounded up the stairs, for him to eat her out on our boy’s bed, then fuck hard. All the while, I was at work, earning for our family, stressed about the kids, and how I was going to get to pick them all up that night and shop, and get dinner, and…… All he was doing was fucking in our son’s bed. So disgusting.
I have a theory. Not a particularly original one. But I believe I have put up with a lot of crap from a lot of people I should have ejected from my life over the years, but as a pleaser, I have instead, “played nice,” forgiven and carried on. This time, I believe all of this pain, and the replayed stories are my psyche’s way of protecting me. I know whenever I think of my friend J, I remember one of the times she wan’t there for me, couldn’t empathise with what I am going through, like the time I was facing nass-tee treatment for cervical cancer, caused by the HPV they infected me with, and she said, very flippantly, “oh, just have an hysterectomy, you’ve finished your family.” I think I do the same constantly about TOIL. I know he is not the guy he was then, but I refuse to let him anywhere near me again, and use the replays of the shit he did to keep me on track in keeping him away.
Not useful.
Not useful at all.
Hey psyche, I get it!
Tearing at the Fabric 
Jul 18, 2014 at 10:11 am
I know, and the technicolor sucks. I do let Paul but man, it’s hard. They did it in our car, the car I still drive. I hate that car and I hate that he’s gotten it so scratched up that we will probably not get anything out of a trade in. We’ve just paid it off and now we can only start from scratch again. That’s my choice: drive the car he fingered in, or pay off a new one from scratch. Replay, indeed.
Jul 18, 2014 at 12:57 pm
HA… same thing happened to me the other day, all that was left of my post was the title!!
The mind is indeed a player of crazy games!
Jul 18, 2014 at 1:43 pm
Mind games and mind movies suck!
Ladies, check your drafts folder…it was happening to me too!
Jul 18, 2014 at 10:04 pm
Did that, no draft there – was just not meant to be, lol.
Jul 18, 2014 at 5:13 pm
I’ve been thinking about that too. My psyche and how this is all playing in my mind…
Jul 20, 2014 at 1:41 am
The mind is an interesting tool, eh, nothate?
Jul 18, 2014 at 10:51 pm
He promised her they wouldn’t fuck while you were all under the same roof?? WTF, that is just seriously fucked up. No wonder you continue to suffer. That shit really messes with your head. Ugh, feeling sad for you today. Be strong for yourself. xo
Jul 20, 2014 at 1:48 am
I know, it beggars belief, shattered. But I guess there is so much of that shit when you are fucking around, trying to keep two women happy, or one at a time, or none. (Or actually, just yourself, lol!) Like, how would she even know if we were fucking? She knew we were as a matter of course, he told her when she asked about our sex life. I think she wanted to hear, “oh no, I don’t actually FUCK Paula, our sex life is done” – patently untrue, our sex life was ALWAYS great, before, during and for two years after his affair. And he told her this.
I know he was worried she would hear us, she was in the next door room the whole holiday. I asked if he got off on that, and he looked horrified, “oh God no! ” I know some cheats do. They use the AP to ramp up their desire for their partner.
It is all pretty damn yucky!
Jul 21, 2014 at 5:35 am
Pretty damn yucky is an understatement. Promising her that he wouldn’t have sex with you while she was in the next room! That’s fucked up. He needs castrating. Do you know if there was emotional intimacy between them? It sounds as though he’s led you to believe that there wasn’t but that’s hard to believe when he’s promising her that kind of thing or am I way off?
Jul 21, 2014 at 6:36 am
I guess it depends on how you define emotional and intimacy! The answer is yes. He was using her, mostly in text form, as his emotional crutch. She and he were propping each other up. He says the sex was kind of “just expected.” As we live some distance apart there wasn’t a whole heap of sex. He says approximately half the time he was actually struggling to get excited. And she did nothing to encourage him when this happened! That has never happened with us. He says never in his life before. He knew it was guilt and a lack of chemistry. His body was telling him. He says there was NO intimacy whatsoever when we all holidayed together. Too scary. And too weird even for him. He tells me she is the least sexual woman he has ever been with. Very average. Doesn’t appear to really like sex much and silent and unmoving during the act. His best sex with her was “yeah, okay, like average. You know just sex. Mildly satisfying. Not like what you and I used to have. Not even close. Not lovemaking. Not sensual. Not particularly exciting. Just basically like a wank, but with two people! She is not good at it.”
I wouldn’t believe him but as she is an ex I have heard that before. I have heard other guys say the same (town bike, plenty of takers!) And if I hadn’t seen his absolute honesty these past five years, brutal honesty, I wouldn’t believe him about no intimacy at the lake. That said, she wrote to him about his prowess (ego stroking) as he is an incredible and giving lover. She was very taken with his “skills!”
Jul 21, 2014 at 6:56 am
Eww, kinda wish i hadn’t asked now ( 🙂 ) . It begs the question then, what was it all about? If he didn’t particularly like her, wasn’t getting much sexually, wasn’t getting anything emotionally, then what WAS he getting from her? Why did he need propping up? Was it just an ego boost for him? Sorry about all the questions, just trying to understand why they make these kind of decisions when they have so much to lose!
Jul 21, 2014 at 9:02 am
No worries, bubsy. He had a breakdown. He made huge and fast decisions involving millions of dollars worth of property deals, and we had $5.5 million unsecured bridging finance, plus the balance of the mortgage on the home farm, around another mill – big balls stuff – and I had no say in any of it, so told him the truth about my worry about it all not being the right thing to do when we moved out here. He has always stated that me telling him that was me emotionally abandoning him. For the first time in twenty years I wasn’t fully on board with what “we” had decided to do. I had always been there going, “yeah, let’s go for it,” over property deals, etc. I had never said, no let’s pass on that one. He got cocky and thought he could decide FOR me, bad move buster! He felt like I had pulled the rug out from underneath him – BUT NEVER TOLD ME THAT – so was mad as hell at the world, especially me, but I never knew, he held it all inside. I then got my first off-farm job in seventeen years, so was gone all day every day, we had previously worked shoulder to shoulder, were very close and loved it. He was “lonely,” very stressed running 1200 acres single handedly and picking up the new slack with the kids that he had never done much of before I earned a wage – being self employed, I had always done the kid stuff – and he was mentally unstable. Then I invited HER back into our lives. Just when he was at his most vulnerable, But I didn’t know that, he never told me there were any problems. And I wasn’t worried, he hated her, she was a selfish, social climbing, cheating, vacuous woman, I didn’t see her as a threat! He told himself that I didn’t love him anymore – all bullshit he never thought to ask me if I did, and I told him I did all the time. It was a really stressful time, and he walked off the cliff! Yeah, she was available to listen (and fuck, conveniently) when I wasn’t so available for the listening part as I was working crazy hours, getting established in a new career. Just a clusterfuck really. His little boy ego was bruised and he felt unloved and entitled. He can’t even believe how immature and selfish he was. He worked out he had fucked up within six months, but she started being clingy, scary and blackmail-y and it took a long time to extricate himself “safely” – he did a lot of avoidance for the last six months, not “able to” meet up, letting her down with, “whoops, I can’t come, had a farm emergency,” that type of thing, he was hoping she would give up and fade away. She was very threatening. I believe that, as she did some scary stuff after D-day – you know, your one did some fucked up shit. Ours never threatened herself, just me and the kids, and his parents. He says the day his top heading bitch got kicked and smashed her fetlock joint was the day he remembers seeing SOOO clearly how badly he had fucked up. He rang me, and I was driving to do some jobs for work, so diverted to where he was to pick them both up to take them to the orthopaedic veterinarian to see if we could save her. Tess was his number one tool and best mate on the farm, a top class dog, only three and a half. We spent thousands on her rebuilding her a new “bionic” joint and nursing her back to full fitness. I was upset, about Tess, but calm, and dropped everything to come help him, immediately. While he was waiting for me, he rang her, and she was completely dismissive. Told him to shoot her, and when were they next “hooking up,” as she was coming down. He was disgusted with her, she knew how important Tess was, and didn’t give a fuck. As he said, even though she doesn’t get dogs, she could have at least sympathised with how bad he was feeling!
Phew, long answer!
Jul 21, 2014 at 12:10 pm
I can see how/why he felt disconnected, similar story to me and N – he felt unloved, unimportant , blah, blah, blah. But seriously? All this craziness for the sake of an awkward conversation. It could have been a frustratingly simple problem to fix. Thanks for your answer P xx
Jul 22, 2014 at 12:27 am
Yeah, and the awkward conversation could have happened on so many occasions! I talked to him about relationship counselling, as I had been talking to him and feeling that “something” was off. I kept saying, “are you alright with all of these changes, something feels ‘off’ to me?” He would answer with a hug, a laugh, and “oh, you silly, everything is fine!” I didn’t believe him, as I can’t even explain it, but for the first time ever, something with “us” didn’t quite make sense, or fit. I even booked MC hoping he would change his mind and come with me. He didn’t. I went to three sessions alone. And felt really stupid. I didn’t know what was wrong, and trying to explain that to a therapist is an odd thing to do. I NEVER ONCE thought he was having an affair. He now says that he should have come, but he was having an affair by that stage, not wanting to give it up, and he was hiding it really well, he was SO PROUD of how well (!) and he didn’t want to screw his deception up in a therapist’s office! Fucked up much???
Jul 23, 2014 at 5:58 am
NOW he says he should have gone to counselling! No shit!
Jul 14, 2015 at 8:08 pm
You’re such an amazing writer Paula, I literally see and feel every one of your words, my only complaint is that what I’m reading is NOT fiction! Even though I take comfort in yours and other affair blogs because it reminds me that I’m not alone on this awful journey, it still crushes my heart to read about the inhumane injustices visited upon people by someone they truly loved. It’s true what they say: the worst thing about betrayal is that it never comes from your enemy, only someone you love and trust can truly betray you. But I thank you dearly for continuing to tell us your story, I come back and read your posts again and again. I think you’d make an excellent counsellor yourself Paula. How are things with you and Roger now? You’ve said that once your youngest girl is off on her own that you will begin the real separation, how do you envision that going? Do you think Roger is still in denial a bit that it is going to happen? I feel like he has convinced himself that he will win you back before it comes to that? I wish you all the strength and luck for when that time comes, and in light of you recognising that you have been the type to please other people before yourself I truly hope that when the time comes to go your own way that you will choose to do what makes YOU happy, and I have no doubt that you will make a success of yourself in whatever path you head down. Take care xxx
Jul 15, 2015 at 7:09 pm
Thank you KJ. Very kind. Blogging for me is a very organic process. No planning. No thinking. Just a place where the words that express my feelings that day land.
Roger was in denial about the inevitable physical separation up until very recently, I believe. I think he has now very reluctantly accepted it. He understands. It’s still heartbreaking for us both. I have explained that although I still love him and consider him my best friend, that love has changed, lessened. I tried to accept that and go forward, but I felt (feel) just awful with less. Like I am short-changing both of us. I still grieve hard, more than six years later, for my wonderful life, I loved him and I loved our life together so much. Settling for less makes me feel like I am shrivelling up inside. I know I will always mourn this and will never be truly free of the pain, but there has to be a better way. I fight every day for better. Lord that sounds melodramatic! But it is a fight. I still fight for actual survival often. There are still days when I think what am I fighting for, this is too hard. But I know with kids you have no option but to try another way of staying here with them. I won’t sentence them to a life knowing I gave up. Some days are harder than others, but ain’t that true for everyone? Keep fighting, KJ. I believe it must get better if you keep at it x.
Jul 15, 2015 at 7:37 pm
Thank you Paula, I couldn’t agree more with your thoughts, and I’ve recently come to accept that the only way to get through this Hell is to actually go through it. There’s no slipping under it, no climbing over it, no way to quietly sneak off around the sides. We HAVE to go through it. In my case I still don’t know whether I want to stay or leave, and it’s torture 😦 I genuinely thought that by now I would at least know which path to take, but I am still plagued by ‘what if’s?’, fear of the unknown, even the old classic ‘better the devil you know’ argument. It’s mentally exhausting. Even on my/our best days I still notice how I have so much less respect and adoration for my husband. I see him in a whole new light now, an unflattering one, and it’s such a big trigger for me because it fans the flames of my anger, which I’m desperately trying to overcome.
Sorry for the rambling, yet another lovely lasting gift I got from my husband’s cheating was the incessant need to talk talk talk my way through the pain, it leads to frustration and verbal diarrhoea! Xx
Jul 15, 2015 at 7:54 pm
Yep. I took Winston Churchill’s hell quote as a guiding light. Keep going! There’s no way back. Hey, I’ve been living this nightmare for six years and exactly two months today. It took almost five years to accept – I mean FULLY accept – I wasn’t going to get my happy ending, life was never going to reset to happy, confident and fully loved. It’s fucking hard. But it is what it is. Tough shit! As you work through this, eventually something will become a little clearer. It’s never crystal clear. I still have days where I wonder if this is the right thing. But I think it probably is. I’m so sick of the half life. The sadness.