Closure

Oct 26, 2020 by horsesrcumin 4 Comments

It never happens. I know. I’ve known forever. Closure was a weird concept someone drew up a few decades ago.

“The family therapist who created the field of “ambiguous loss” — loss without closure. Complicated grief: parents, divorce, addiction, dementia, aging. “You love somebody. And when they’re lost, you still care about them. You can’t just turn it off.”

There is no such thing as closure. In fact, Pauline Boss says, the idea of closure leads us astray. It’s a myth we need to put aside, like the idea we’ve accepted that grief has five linear stages and we come out the other side done with it. She coined the term “ambiguous loss,” creating a new field in family therapy and psychology. She has wisdom for the complicated griefs and losses in all of our lives and for how we best approach the losses of others.”

But you do ruminate and recycle. Less as time goes by, but for me, it is still gutting. I can’t fathom how he repeatedly told me how much he loved me, made love in a close and connected way (those eyes still drill into me, blackening as he got closer to orgasm …) and how he “promised” (cough) with a deep, lingering kiss, that one day we’d find our way back to each other. 🤢🤮😱😳

I have to always pull myself back up from those black holes. Those spirals of utter despair.

He didn’t love me. He used me. As BG says, I am too good to him. I was also “too good” to Rog. I gave and gave and gave.

Until he thought he had enough, I was no longer required. He had found a replacement. Someone he “loved” more than he ever loved me. I was a piece of shit.

I thought about this this morning after some deep and fast shower sex. BG was preoccupied. Is interviewing two young women this morning as potential bar staff.

So I got in the shower with him, and scrubbed his back.

He’s not usually a fast starter when thinking about something else. But holy hell, we were away, and things were over loudly and quickly, him saying, WTF, how did you do that to me? I’m gonna have a damn heart attack, babe!

And as his eyes drilled into mine, I saw Rog. His eyes connected with my soul. Penetrating me harder than….

Yeah. With only two lovers ever, I am uber aware of avoiding comparisons.

But they do inevitably occur sometimes.

Closure. Hmm.

I wish.