My darling friend, L, who looked after me during the worst of my trauma, housed me and my cat overnight (completely overwhelmed and totally heartbroken) the night Roger left for good, the night before I had access to my new home), who then had the same thing happen to her two years later, is really upset.
Breathe, Paula. That was the longest run-on sentence ever.
Her estranged husband sent a message last week that he needs to serve her papers. L was upset because she doesn’t want it at work, but also doesn’t want anyone at her home.
I offered mine as a neutral location.
We assumed divorce papers.
But it’s got weird. It’s scheduled for Monday now. At her work.
And he phoned her and texted her. That she wasn’t to tell their children.
WTAF?
Her three adult children. Who know who he is. A serial cheater who left their mother during the first Covid lockdown.
All about control. Fuckwit.
She was very oppressed during their marriage. Lots of guilt on her behalf, and a giant power imbalance.
But she has been lucky, and his FOO have supported her. Know how badly he treated her. She just said, if it’s any messed up shit, other than divorce papers, she’ll call her brother-in-law. His older brother. They have proven, for the last four years, that they have her back.
I admit I am a little envious. My in-laws were already estranged due to Roger’s choices about withholding/distorting information. But after he ditched me, they picked a side and went with blood.
And I have seen “our” friends believe him. His narrative that I am a terrible person. Was an awful partner. It has sucked royally.
But I accept it. I can’t change it.
They choose to believe a person who lied and cheated to the closest, most loving, loyal person in his life. Go them.
I told L how much I hate her ex.
I grew up with him. He was a part of my wider friendship circle. But I never really forgave him for cheating with our mate’s girlfriend. It spoke of poor character to me. He has since proven me right. At least two long-term affairs since then.
Choosing a side. It sounds so … I dunno … unforgiving. Mean? Intolerant?
But, one thing I have learned is that Switzerland friends are not the loyal people you need in your life.
And it’s been incredibly, incredibly difficult for me to let people go.
Because I’m loyal AF. I love hard.
But yeah, you do have to choose “a side.” And to my darling best women, I’m so grateful they a) believe me, b) support me, c) love me, and d) wrote Roger off once they understood. One in particular has been amazing. She tried to talk sense into him at the time he discarded me. Told him he’d regret giving up the person who had always had his back, bore his children, loved him even through and despite one enormous betrayal.
When he chose Trinket over more than three decades of my love, she walked away from her nearly 40 years of friendship with him.
I respect her for that.
And no way is L’s husband is ever being a part of my life again.
Choose your side. Loyalty is a non-negotiable in my book.
……and from the 23rd of June! You can see how busy and distracted I am right now…
Breaking down the grief and trauma of infidelity is taking far, far longer than I could have ever imagined.
I was shown a picture of Rog and his cuntfaced whore last night. They are working for the same company. And their picture together is apparently on the company’s website.
To be fair, she looks really rough. Not flattering at all.
But yeah, it shits me.
Quietly. In this wee corner of the internet.
So, I thought of these words…
Jason Sudeikis on his divorce from Olivia Wilde (she cheated with Harry Styles)
“I’ll have a better understanding of why in a year,” he said of their public split, “and an even better one in two, and an even greater one in five, and it’ll go from being, you know, a book of my life to becoming a chapter to a paragraph to a line to a word to a doodle.”
Here’s wishing ALL of us struggling with the trauma from infidelity & hoping we get to the doodle stage.
That man, who now poses on his work website with the plain, mousy looking little cuntfaced whore he cheated on me and left me for.
That man who cheated before.
That man who knocked me unconscious.
That man I trauma bonded with.
That man who, as he drove out of our fourth decade together to the cuntfaced whore, kissed me passionately and told me that “one day we’ll find our way back to each other, Snooks.”
That man who promised me it was always only me whom he loved. That I was the love of his life. That the beige mouse would never be me. Never replace me.
That man.
Trauma bonded people ask dumb questions….this was posed on an infidelity support site…🤦♀️
Um. No. Just no.
However, many of us have been there. Looking for some shred of hope… while we loved them, they were looking for someone else – Roger literally was secretly shopping for my replacement for at least two years on dating apps (promising me he’d always love me…) before the cuntfaced whore swallowed the nice guy bait, hook, line and sinker – and whatever made them think that was okay is a defect of character, not a momentary lapse. We brought honesty and genuine passion and love to the table, and they didn’t match or honour it.
Much healing has occurred. But the fact that I meant nothing is the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced.
I never understood how a couple we knew and loved, divorced, and now hate each other so much. They were so in love.
I get it now.
With great love comes enormous pain, sorrow, and deep grief when that love is proven to be one-sided.
Roger was the best friend I ever had. My bloody everything.
How pathetic of me.
And, he worked his magic. Charmed the fuck out of our youngest’s mates during her birthday celebrations down there during the weekend. He’s so good at this game.. What a great guy, great dad he is. 🤢🤮🤢🤮
Yesterday, as I was closing the clinic, I got a call from an unknown number.
Previously, I never answered these. But with the business, I take all the calls, all the time now.
It was my mother’s husband’s daughter, Carol!
She lives in Australia, but was home, taking care of her post surgical Mum, and off to her niece’s wedding.
We had completely lost touch. I hadn’t a clue how to get hold of any of the three kids once “Pa” died.
We were not close, lived quite separate, adult lives, but we caught up with our kids a few times, etc. She’s a nice person.
Mum remarried when we were adults. I was Mum’s witness at their lovely garden celebration, and Carol and I both had our first babies within weeks of each other.
She had tracked me down somehow, and told me she and her husband had a heap of video footage of her Dad’s, and there was a lot of my kids as littlies!
Oh My God! I have none! Mum and Ian were so good at photographing and videoing, but Mum died when my kids were 7, 3 and 1.
Carol asked if we were still in our hometown.
It made me realise how long it had been since I heard from her.
“Oh no! Not for over 15 years!”
“Where are you and Rog now then?”
Deep breath.
Swallow.
“Um, well. I’m in (my new town.) We moved to (where the last farm was) in 2007.
I’ve been in this town since Rog left me for a woman he met online, had ‘known’ for just three weeks at the time he announced he was leaving me, blindsiding me completely, over four years ago now.”
“Shit! No way! Paula. I’m so sorry, that’s terrible. I thought you guys were so lovely together. Never would have ever thought….”
“I know. But that’s what happened, I’ve just started a business, and life took a bloody big U-turn, that’s for sure.”
We yarned away for about 20 minutes. Exchanged email addresses, etc. She’s couriering the videos to me. I’m beyond excited to see my babies, with my gorgeous Mum!
The below post was written by a betrayed wife, awaiting divorce.
And it could be me.
I loved hom so very, very much.
And he fucked around, went out drinking “with the boys,” and carrying on, while I stayed home with our children. Stayed being treated as the domestic help. Waking up at 2, 3, 4 am or arriving home from work, to him in our home with other women happened.
He waa being kind, by driving them after a big night out.
Or allowing them to shower after xyz
Et cetera.
I didn’t realise these things were red flags. I was the chill chick after all. He was such a nice guy.
Right?
Today is our 33rd wedding anniversary. I am waiting for a judge to sign our divorce papers any day now , possibly today. I thought about posting a pic of me as the bride like I have every year, but I thought about it and I know even though I felt beautiful on that day that girl is dead. She spent 34 yrs of her life in a relationship that was one sided. She put blinders on and propped up a person to try to make things good, to make people like this person, she avoided or closed her eyes to all the red flags that were waving like a circus. She didn’t leave when many many times she should have. She just couldn’t see, she was blinded because she loved the person. Shes dead now she was destroyed on March 3 2021 when for the second time she found out he had been a liar, cheater and over all an evil person. Since that time so many other lies have been revealed so many things that are just shocking to me. She’s dead now. The new me will not be that naive girl who on her first wedding anniversary while pregnant got nothing, but a boy that drank a whole bottle of champagne and got stupid but yet she stayed. I am damaged I am healing ❤️🩹 I hurt and I cry occasionally not like before and the tears are not for the loss of this person but for the time, time lost wasted trying to fix the unfixable. I got two great kids out of all of that and two great little grand babies for that I am grateful to God for them. Life goes on one day at a time. 😊
One of the couples I have met, BG’s friends, just split up.
Spud is a successful photographer. 50 something, three adult children. His first marriage ending blindsided him about 8-10 years ago.
About 7 years ago, he met Rebecca, via an online dating site. She is early 40s, three teen and preteen girls. Is the head of a large national charity organisation.
We had no idea that they were in trouble.
Rebecca was just on the scene when the boys took a golfing trip to the UK to celebrate their 50th birthday year. Spud is the younger brother of one of this friends since boarding school crew.
She also goes down in history not long later, when she joined Spud on a boys’ golf trip to Queenstown. Not her fault. Spud invited her, all besotted and newly in love. The lads still give her stick about it.
I’m sad.
So sad.
They both sound like they’re doing okay. Not ripped to shreds like Spud was when his marriage ended.
But I’m still deeply saddened. Despite knowing they will be okay and this sounds mutual. Houses to sell. Step sibling relationships disrupted, etc.
And I know it has rattled BG a bit. Worrying about us. Will we make it? He was already having an existential crisis before this. Should he stay or go from his current role.
I told him to just breathe. I get it. He’s overthinking it. He’s worried he leaves, then we break up and he feels stranded.
This man struggles with the big decisions. Can manage other people impressively. But his own life, very much struggles with getting off the fence.
I’d better kick on. Support office staff arriving tomorrow to help me be ready to open Tuesday.
And serendipitously, my two hires both have birthdays on Tuesday, too!
My new business is joining their birthdays with its own! That has to be kismet, a good omen, right??.
To those damn butterflies. They lie. All that excitement and the awesomely addictive flappy feelings…it’s a trap!
I fell fast and hard for Roger. I resisted.
But poorly.
I was bowled over. Swept off my feet. I had never even had sex with anyone before, thinking I was smart. Selective. They needed to be ABSOLUTELY amazing. Trustworthy.
I needed to be madly in love, and madly loved. I needed to be 100% certain that this man would never, never, never hurt me.
Ha!
I moved in with him after knowing him just five weeks! FFS.
I don’t move in for fun. Moving in together is my marriage. I was never going to marry, I’d decided that after seeing my mother’s utter and complete heartbreak at the end of my parents’ marriage.
Tearing at the Fabric 