Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Sexually Transmitted


My fantastic friend, Crazy Kat, blogged recently about the dilemma of to tell or not to tell.

I like to think I would mostly tell a betrayed spouse if I was their friend.

But I have a friend I have never told. For reasons including that I feel sure she does not want to know (serious state of denial) and that I am not first hand 100% sure. I’m pretty sure.

But, the evidence is circumstantial.

However, as someone who desperately wishes someone had told me, years earlier (but they all deny knowledge – even his best mate denies knowing, but I now know he did know right near the end of the Leanne affair, but lied to me about it) I think knowledge is power.

And my other proviso is health. I have been fighting a cancer battle this year, directly caused by contracting an STI (actually, two…) from his riding his whores bareback.

I deserved to be able to protect myself, and you can’t without that knowledge.

His affair, his lies, his secrets, his pleasure were all more important than my life.

The mother of his children.

The woman who loved him hard. Ran all the life admin, milked, parented, cooked, cleaned, paid the bills, did the accounts, carried out the shopping, laundry, etc. The whole shebang.

I discuss some of this with CK in the comments about tell, or don’t tell. The fury and … disappointment is such an understatement … utter devastation at him exposing me to these infections is still huge.

I grew up and discovered my father was cheating on my mother, with men, in the 70s and early 80s. Again, a weak man who was eventually exposed. In the early AIDS era in NZ, 1984.

No confession. Forced out of the closet by an attempted extortionist.

It was terrifying.

I thought my mother was going to die. Every time she phoned me at uni for the next three years, I would suck in my breath, exhaling only when I realised she wasn’t phoning me to let me know she was HIV+.

As such, sexual health has always been a gigantic priority. And genuine fear.

I asked Rog from day one to ensure he promise me should he ever cheat, that he wear condoms.

Of course, not cheating would be preferable.

But don’t risk my health.


Oh, the irony!

Lying in a gynaecologist’s rooms, getting a full STI screen, in your 40s, having lived cleanly, one committed sexual partner ever, educating teens about love and safe sex. Committed. Faithful. Trusting. The silent tears streamed down my horizontal face, soaking the exam table.

I wasn’t ashamed. I did nothing wrong. I communicated and trusted. But he yelled at me angrily when I told him we needed to get tested.

“She’s clean! So hygienic! And not sleeping with anyone else!”


Someone skipped sex ed, right?

When I got my results, his face went completely white. He was horrified. Chlamydia and HPV. Along with a common infection, gardnerella.

Sah clean.

I felt truly disgusting. Filthy. Tainted. Ruined even.

Thanks for sharing, Leanne.

On a related note, about humaning, today at work, I was praised time and time again for my compassion, thanked by several clients for my patience, guidance and understanding. It is inherent, to be kind. To help people, but even I admit, I am kinder, more forgiving and understanding than ever since this horrendous journey began.

Stolen from Totally Caroline’s Instagram. It spoke to me about the level of pain I, and many if you readers here have and are enduring. And to never forget who we are. Trusting, loving, kind people who believed the best in others.

Namaste bitches!


14 thoughts on “Sexually Transmitted

  1. I wanted to kill my husband when I found out he slept with the whore without a condom. My father actually died of AIDS in 1992, he was gay, yet I didn’t find out til years after he passed. He kept it very hidden from my younger brother and I. My husband knows how much my father’s death impacted me and how painful it was to watch him die of such a horrible disease and then he goes and screws around and puts my health at risk?!? Idiot. Men are so stupid.
    I will be thinking of you, hang in there (((hugs)))

    • I’m so sorry, forever. I also just stared at Rog in total shock and disbelief. I assumed for months that of course he used condoms. Just seemed like a given to me. I didn’t actually ask him until several months after Dday. For a start, Leanne was of child bearing age, and I knew she wanted a baby! He just sheepishly said, no, I “usually” pulled out.


      I then lived in fear not just of disease, but for several months, that she was going to be pregnant.

      Cheers, doll. Trying SUPER hard to hang in here right now xxx.

      • When my husband came clean and told me they had sex, he immediately said they used protection. He told me that she had them already. When months later after he told her it was over, I was in the process of writing her a letter. I needed to make sure I knew everything so I didn’t look stupid. I asked him to swear on my father’s grave that he used a condom. He got real sad and said no. I was crushed. I started yelling that he could’ve potentially exposed me to what my own father died of! How fucking stupid could he be??!?! I remember getting STD tested as well, and how broken I felt as I told the doctor why I needed to be tested. He had no worries of getting her pregnant since he had a vasectomy and she had endometriosis and was told she couldn’t have any more children. (She has since had 2)

      • It was the most humiliating thing I had ever done, getting an STI screen after nearly 25 years (then) of being faithful to him, and a lifetime of never sleeping with anyone else!

        It was more humiliating driving 4 hours to her town to meet her and basically beg her not to ‘steal’ my partner of more than 30 years. I still shudder when I remember how nervous and embarrassed I felt.

  2. I think we all know where I stand 😂

    I would tell if I had the absolute truth.

    Asking for the std panel was one of the most humiliating things I’ve ever had to do.

    Hugs to you

    • Lol, indeed. And in principle I feel similarly. But feel it is a case by case thing. Wish people made better choices. J has already made flaky excuses for her H’s behaviour, and made it clear she does not want to know. I wish I could shake her. But not everyone wants to live in reality. I have another friend who has blatently stated she is staying, no matter what (money, she values it too highly.) For me. Absolutely I needed to know. No question whatsoever.

  3. Shortly after he came home after break-up number 5 in April 2016 (before I knew he was a cheating fucked up motherfucker), I was having unbelievable sharp stabbing pain during orgasm. I went to several Doctors who were totally and completely puzzled because no one had ever heard of this and therefore, so no one could help. I took it into my own hands and went to a chiropractor and maybe placebo effect came into play, because the big “O” was back to normal within a month.

    I told Mr. P about the pain and he didn’t seem concerned or worried and really didn’t say anything about it or give me any advice.

    Once I found out what he was doing I went for a full screen (as did he) and both clean. After some reflection, I believe he didn’t say anything because he didn’t want me to go to the Doctor out of fear of maybe me having something and then he would be exposed. He claims to have ALWAYS used protection with them, and he and I always used it as well, but condoms don’t protect against all STD’s.

    So he was fucking around with multiple skanks and I was having issues – but he was ONLY protecting himself from being exposed. What a complete fuck.

    My V knew something I didn’t. I’m glad I have my “O” back.

    • I lost my O for 3 years (psychological) and it was the pits of hell. I couldn’t feel a damn thing. Numb. I understand the deep grief at the loss of that alone.

      The selfishness is mind blowing, huh, SSA? I kinda get it from an SA. But a guy who was ‘just having fun?’

      Fucker. It is insane.

    • When my husband came home from his month in training every time we had sex I would bleed. About three weeks of that and he asked for a divorce and told me he had met someone. I confronted him with my female issues and told him I needed to go to the dr and just flat out asked if they had sex. He admitted it but said it was protected (not). I believe sometimes our bodies tell us that something is not right.

  4. Even more fucked up was that the whore came to our state and my husband put her and her brother up in a hotel in the city and he spent the night with her the night before I went to the dr. He spent the next day with her in the city while I was getting std tested! Didn’t find that out until I spoke to her fiance 6 weeks later, after my husband told her it was over. Pretty fucked up… they are all fucked up.

    • Leanne stayed with us many times at our lake house. Sleeping in the room next door as we made love. I know he must have fucked her while I was there too. The thought of them fondling as my back was turned turns my stomach. Sick. So fkn sick.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s