Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

The things he refused to do

10 Comments

Rog did a secretive runner. Took the easy way out. Setting up a new life without telling me that was the plan until the plan was in action.

Coward.

He told me so many damn times that he was waiting for me, hoped we could go forward together, that I am the love of his life.

That he was sorry.

Sorry is not contrite. Contrite means you do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes. It means you stop lying. You are completely transparent and honest. That you accept you fucked up. That you don’t blameshift onto the loyal, faithful partner. That you accept the harm you caused lasts forever. That working on yourself, with the person you betrayed is a lifetime opportunity for personal and relationship growth. It means forever. Not forever to be punished. Forever to keep working on being better, loving more fully, honestly, truly.

I really loved this post by blackacre about what a cheating partner needs to do going forward. It is aimed at sex addicts, but I think it applies to all cheaters. And that while SA is hideous, one ‘advantage,’ if you will, that it has over garden variety selfish cheaters is that it formalises and recognises the permanence of the scars left by cheaters. That the work must be committed to. Every day. To the people who have judged ME for his affairs, you need to read this shit.

This is what cheating does. It means the cheater needs to step up. To fix their shit. If you won’t do that, have an adult conversation and say that. Leave. Do NOT string a loyal, healing partner along! Tell them you want out. Two fucking years of fishing online for a replacement model, driving to meet these poor saps, flirting with them, building rapports, while you tell your partner you will wait forever, that you love only them, while making passionate love, watching them work so damn hard to heal and learn to trust again. That is the shittiest thing you can do to someone who obviously loves you so much they will try to forgive you for making them doubt, making them sick. Fuck, my health battles, cancer, heart disease, mental health, have been epic!

He refused to come to marriage counselling with me while he was fucking Leanne, when I felt something was amiss (but never suspected an affair.) I was the dumbass who went to couples counselling alone. For three sessions. Not knowing what was wrong. He refused to come to couples counselling with me after D-Day, instead sent ME to a psychologist when I was at the end of my tether because Leanne was still threatening my family. It took over two years, and him returning to her to fuck again before he finally, reluctantly, agreed to come with me to counselling.

He refused to accept that his cheating meant our love story had been altered. He wanted me to, as he said to CrazyKat’s Blue Eyes, “just get over it.”

Having lived through cheating parents, seen other cheaters and their betrayeds split up or heal together, I knew a thing or two.

Roger’s sister cheated with her husband on his first wife. His family just accepted that. I would have had a few words with my daughter or sister had she split up a marriage. Nope. They put on a big garden wedding for them instead, moving the cheater in next door, warmly welcomed into the family. He cheated on her, they divorced, less than three years after the wedding. Big surprise.

So, I get to be the bad guy. I was always faithful. I allowed a very long rein. I was not demanding or selfish. I tried to trust him again even when he was doing damaging things. Giving me diseases. Fucking her again two years after ‘it was over.’ Refusing to cut contact with Leanne. Change his phone number. Never being fully honest.

And that folks, is because it wasn’t his cheating that was the problem. No sirreeee. It was my reaction to it. Because I am not fucking stupid. I could see he was not contrite. He instead got resentful and pouty. Because I was learning to do things for me. Not run around after him 24/7.

He cut and run. To someone dumber. Who proved she will put up with shit behaviour, by staying with a serial cheater until he died. Easy!

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10 thoughts on “The things he refused to do

  1. It’s sad how these men that we looked up to as strong, as our rocks, turn out to be these faithless cowards. They really aren’t who we think they are at all. They are children in men’s bodies.

  2. Thanks for the shout out! Handsome, I think, does sincerely want to be a better person and help me heal… help us heal. It is also true that he is so damaged and broken that he frequently can’t figure out how to do that successfully, and he often screws up royally. He’s definitely a work in progress. I make the occasional smart ass comment in my head about him staying (“yay, my unrecovered sex addict husband hasn’t left me… lucky me”) but I do feel fortunate that I… we… get another shot. I hope that neither of us squanders the opportunity. And I also hope he continues to at least try to do the hard yards.
    ❤️

    • I thought Rog wanted this too.

      I am sure with addicts they really do want to live a better way, and as long as Handsome sticks at recovery, and you keep working together, you will stay on this healing path. It’s not a straight one. But love must prevail xxx

  3. It’s so much more than his cheating. It’s his total disregard for you. Which says everything about him. His family is the same. No accountability. Use people. It seems like that’s always been there. I think that is the hardest part. Realizing he isn’t who you thought he was. That’s a double decker shit sandwich. It’s no wonder you keep choking on it.
    Self love. Self compassion. You did nothing wrong. For you, this trauma goes much deeper than him. You are just now seeing how deep it goes. And how events you stuffed down really affected you. Its alot of weight to carry. I’m so excited for the day you stop carrying this load that isn’t yours to carry. The day you are healed enough to have these types of thoughts and say, fuck him. He (and all his whores and stupidity) gets no more of my precious headspace and peace. Because he is not worth it and you are!!!

    • Before I knew he was cheating , HTH, that total disregard completely tore me apart. Buying a farm for over 50% above its valuation, without consulting me, that was the first major glimpse of who was important in his life. Him. I was devastated. 100% bridging finance on millions of dollars. And he never said he was looking seriously at leaving the farm that we were bringing up the fourth generation on. The farm he insisted we must buy, when there were far more profitable options available. The farm he felt such affection, emotional connection and affinity with. Just shows how shallow his bonds are in life.

      Yeah, I am a communicator. I talk about things. Or I did, when my best friend, him, was around. I never saw my traumatic things as stuffed down. But I now see how I used words to minimise the pain. To try to reduce the true impact these events were having on my psyche. I also see I tried to paint them as nothing much at all. Pffft. Mere piffling annoyances. Having my love to snuggle into, to inhale, physically took away the pain. He was using me as a placeholder. I can’t explain how much it hurts.

      The thing that pisses me off most is I know I gave it my all, and he still got to make all the calls. Instead of him sitting with pain, suffering a little from his shitty choices and behaviours, he gets to gallop off on his white stead with the damsel he scooped up. They are happy as pigs in shit, while I, the loving, honest and faithful partner, get to wade through the agony of the world he blew up and walked away from. It sucks, even though intellectually I know this shitty work has to be done, and I should be far better off without such a damaging man who obviously, despite all his words and many of his actions over thirty years, never truly loved me, in my life. Accepting it was all just an illusion is heartbreaking xxx

  4. My sister is going through a similar feeling. She did the right things, he didn’t. And he pays no consequences. Its so hard to not care.
    I may not say this the way I mean it. So please excuse anything that comes across rude or demeaning. I definitely don’t mean it that way. I’m inserting my own experience here and just wondering if it applies to you, as we do have some similar “backstories”. Have you ever thought about whether or not you’d have been with him if not for your traumas? I don’t think he would have came across your radar if you weren’t yourself “broken” (hurt by trauma). Do you think you would have been so consumed with him if not for your trauma? I’ve wondered if I would have dated my husband if I didn’t experience what I did. I was looking for someone to make me feel better. Someone safe. He treated me so great, total opposite of abusive ex. However, he is codependent and lacks boundaries. Would I have picked up on that and stayed if I hadn’t been dealing with my trauma? I wonder. Would he have stayed if he didn’t have his issues? I don’t know. Thankfully we are in a much different place now and are dealing with our baggage.
    I dunno. Again, none of this is your fault or deserved. Just pondering.

    • It’s a very good question, HTH. I don’t know the answer to it. I used to think I had it all together, that I had overcome things. I never saw me as being reliant on Roger for that. But the loss of him has uncovered so many layers to the traumas. I realise he was my best mate. My person. And I was never his. I think there are traces of narcissism in him. I would not say he is full-blown. But he is definitely a case of charm to harm.

      I spent the night sleeping with my daughter, she curled herself around me, just as he always did. Much smaller body, but the absence of his body is very acute right now. It was nice. She did this after he knocked me out too. Made me come and sleep at her flat when she moved out of home, scared and disgusted at what he did to me when I confronted him about his lying. Our little dog was in snuggles heaven last night!

      Roger also treated me very well before Leanne. He will be doing the same to Trinket. He is soft, kind, loving. Total charmer. Makes you feel wanton, desired, lovable. He also never had boundaries. My friends constantly asked me why I felt okay about his friendships and texts etc with other women. It was just normal to me. I thought he always loved only me. Always came to me for the love. No, he was getting some – often not sexual, maybe emotional – fulfillment from these women who all adored him. If I had been older, maybe I wouldn’t have been so chill. I just felt I could trust him. Which I obviously got so wrong. And I kick myself constantly for not working out that he was having such a long affair. I did a few times, but he was so good at gently denying, I thought there was something wrong with me for being suspicious. Ugh. It’s been such a long, stressful mind fuck. I love(d that man so so much.

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