Rog did a secretive runner. Took the easy way out. Setting up a new life without telling me that was the plan until the plan was in action.
He told me so many damn times that he was waiting for me, hoped we could go forward together, that I am the love of his life.
That he was sorry.
Sorry is not contrite. Contrite means you do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes. It means you stop lying. You are completely transparent and honest. That you accept you fucked up. That you don’t blameshift onto the loyal, faithful partner. That you accept the harm you caused lasts forever. That working on yourself, with the person you betrayed is a lifetime opportunity for personal and relationship growth. It means forever. Not forever to be punished. Forever to keep working on being better, loving more fully, honestly, truly.
I really loved this post by blackacre about what a cheating partner needs to do going forward. It is aimed at sex addicts, but I think it applies to all cheaters. And that while SA is hideous, one ‘advantage,’ if you will, that it has over garden variety selfish cheaters is that it formalises and recognises the permanence of the scars left by cheaters. That the work must be committed to. Every day. To the people who have judged ME for his affairs, you need to read this shit.
This is what cheating does. It means the cheater needs to step up. To fix their shit. If you won’t do that, have an adult conversation and say that. Leave. Do NOT string a loyal, healing partner along! Tell them you want out. Two fucking years of fishing online for a replacement model, driving to meet these poor saps, flirting with them, building rapports, while you tell your partner you will wait forever, that you love only them, while making passionate love, watching them work so damn hard to heal and learn to trust again. That is the shittiest thing you can do to someone who obviously loves you so much they will try to forgive you for making them doubt, making them sick. Fuck, my health battles, cancer, heart disease, mental health, have been epic!
He refused to come to marriage counselling with me while he was fucking Leanne, when I felt something was amiss (but never suspected an affair.) I was the dumbass who went to couples counselling alone. For three sessions. Not knowing what was wrong. He refused to come to couples counselling with me after D-Day, instead sent ME to a psychologist when I was at the end of my tether because Leanne was still threatening my family. It took over two years, and him returning to her to fuck again before he finally, reluctantly, agreed to come with me to counselling.
He refused to accept that his cheating meant our love story had been altered. He wanted me to, as he said to CrazyKat’s Blue Eyes, “just get over it.”
Having lived through cheating parents, seen other cheaters and their betrayeds split up or heal together, I knew a thing or two.
Roger’s sister cheated with her husband on his first wife. His family just accepted that. I would have had a few words with my daughter or sister had she split up a marriage. Nope. They put on a big garden wedding for them instead, moving the cheater in next door, warmly welcomed into the family. He cheated on her, they divorced, less than three years after the wedding. Big surprise.
So, I get to be the bad guy. I was always faithful. I allowed a very long rein. I was not demanding or selfish. I tried to trust him again even when he was doing damaging things. Giving me diseases. Fucking her again two years after ‘it was over.’ Refusing to cut contact with Leanne. Change his phone number. Never being fully honest.
And that folks, is because it wasn’t his cheating that was the problem. No sirreeee. It was my reaction to it. Because I am not fucking stupid. I could see he was not contrite. He instead got resentful and pouty. Because I was learning to do things for me. Not run around after him 24/7.
He cut and run. To someone dumber. Who proved she will put up with shit behaviour, by staying with a serial cheater until he died. Easy!