I’ve taken a VERY long time to recover from the father of my children’s multiple betrayal and discard of me (after loving him madly, passionately, deeply for over three decades) for one of the other women.
And, despite always thinking that you must automatically begin to loathe anyone who would cheat on you, I still love him.
WTAF??? 🤦♀️🤷♀️
But I know that the “him” I love isn’t the person I loved. That person was made up in my head and heart.
So, in order to live again, I have had to let who I used to be go.
The deep, searing grief.
It’s so painful. I think it always will be. But I get that I have to.
No one who hasn’t lived this understands. I know I thought I did before it happened to me. I wasn’t even close.
This man who circled back around, six months after I ran sobbing from him last year, pretty much ghosting him, lol. (He doesn’t know about the sobbing part, that I drove two hours home, weeping incessantly with the searing pain of being kissed by someone who isn’t my “life partner.” Ugh.) He does know I wasn’t ready, and needed time.
He gave me time, and SAID he hadn’t stopped thinking about me.
Yeah right. Obviously the well ran dry. No more women to keep him sorted. Ugh.
Well, surprise, surprise. I think it may well be a case of He’s Just Not That Into You.
Story of my unlovable life.
I talked to ceativerational about it, briefly. She said she’d like to write the sequel, Every Man’s Still a Boy, and Really Fucking Lazy.
Yep. Pretty much.
BarGuy drove to me the first weekend we reconnected.
Like. Straight away. When I replied to him, lol.
He runs a large hospitality business, and I realise that means weekends can be busy. However, I had made the effort to drive to him the last few times we have caught up. It’s been fun. We laugh, we chat freely. He “appeared” to be super into me… I even commuted the two and a half hours to and from work twice.
This weekend, I decided to just sit and see what he decided to do. I know he had nothing important he had to be at work for. My working dog is on antibiotics for two weeks, and I’m not going anywhere while we get to the bottom of her persistent cough. #responsibledogmum.
Nada.
A few messages. But no attempt to come see me. He is not that desperate to be with me. I’m so attractive, remember? (The shit I try to bullshit my traumatised brain into somehow believing. Ha!) Or maybe he had a local hookup? He says there’s no one else. But hey that was SOOOO last week…
And I’m a grownup. I get it. I can see it. I won’t chase a man who can’t really be arsed. However, it is still sad and disappointing. Even though I know it is not really about me as such.
If someone turned around and started valuing me, making an effort to see me, the way I have three times for him (the way Roger used to pursue me, and definitely pursued both Leanne and Trinket…) well, that might be different. I even spelled it out when he commented positively on me driving over. I said, if I like someone, value time with them, I will find a way to spend time. I will make an effort, somehow.
Not obvious enough, lol. Don’t think to reciprocate, will you now?
Anyway. Fuck ’em. I wasn’t keen for any romantic entanglements anyway. It makes me needy. I missed him…. I never want to yearn after someone who doesn’t love/value me ever again. Those nights Roger was with Trinket were utter, suicidal hell. I never slept, the sex visuals were agonising, and I worried like fuck about the driving he was doing. Tired and all excited about seeing his Schmoopie. Meanwhile, doofus here was washing his clothes, shopping for him, cleaning our home, mowing our lawns, feeding his animals, cooking his meals, fantasizing about him, willing him to let her – his latest side piece, in a string of them over the decades – go, and love me like I loved him. Man, I burn with embarrassment about how stupid and needy I was.
So desperate. YUUUUUCK!
So yeah, think BarGuy might just be a lost cause? Which is super weird because he bought concert tickets for “us” for JANUARY (???😱) just last weekend. I was there when he purchased them. He asked me if I would be free to come with him, did I like the bands playing?
Maybe he lied. Men seem to do that to me. Maybe he just bought, thinking, okay, maybe I’ll find someone to use the spare ticket.
And you know what? I can’t even be bothered asking him why he didn’t think to come over. I think he feels like I’m out of his league (WTF??!!) and that putting in any effort will just get his heart broken again, like it did last time he tried, and ran a long distance relationship for a while.
I’m not babysitting any more manchildren. I’ve told him I speak up, tell it like it is, and I appreciate the same. He knows I’ve been terribly, terribly hurt. If he’s not into me, just say that.
Nah. Too hard. Just pull away and fade into the background?
Coward.
Instead, I did farm chores, mowed lawns, cleaned my house and cleaned half the leaves out of my roof guttering. Whilst my farm dog modelled her SwannDri (which she thought was a straitjacket never leaving the deck in it.)
Sunday will be spent with friends.
Once I get this stiff and sore body (mountain hiking) out of the layers of warm, cosy bed again.
I seem to have boomeranged back into bed! Maybe it’s all just SADD. Mid winter blues.
Tearing at the Fabric 