Tearing at the Fabric

Of the space-time continuum

Heading into the weekend (what day is it anymore?) like

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BG came to me tonight, after I’d cooked dinner – Fijian fish curry, yum!

(he made a beautiful dinner last night) and held me, stroking my face, asking me if I was okay.

We’d had hard, fast sex earlier, in his workplace on one of the pool tables.

A first for him.

And for me, of course 😄

I am.

Okay, that is.

I know what I am doing, what my boundaries and expectations are.

I let him know that I am okay, and kissed him, telling him I am.

He stared long and hard at me, and said, “where did you even come from? You are so understanding and patient, and I don’t deserve you. I don’t get it. Why me?

And what was Dog thinking walking away from you? You’re beautiful. And amazing. I’m so damn lucky!”

I just said that I am that person, and I love him, but because of the many, many chances I gave Dog, I won’t be that stupid again. If he wants to be with me, he will need to address things that come up, and cope with the hard talks. They’re not digs at him. I’m not talking because I love telling him my needs or boundaries, I hate it. But I know what they are, and what I want out of a relationship. I will give and give and give. But I need some back now.

He’s in bed, snoring loudly now. I’m on the couch with a massive headache.

And those words are swirling.”What was he thinking?”

I do know Dog ran. From what he did. And I also know that psychology research points to the fact that men who leave their long term partners and families for another woman, rarely reflect on this. They will never come and apologise, and many women – including myself, even knowing it is pointless to do so – long for that opportunity.

I know it will never happen. Men don’t tend to take the time to sit and reflect on their actions, and the consequences of them on other people, as much as women do.

Ha! I wonder why they find it so easy to cheat, right???

We are enculturated to “be nice” and look after others.

Waiting for regret and heartfelt, genuine apology, that is completely pointless.

They have new fabulousness, a new, fawning woman and her kids to impress with how kind, loving, fun – SPARKLY – they are.

From an article about men, cheating and regrets

How Long Before Men Regret Leaving?

From my own experience through talking with the women we help, it seems as if there is a lengthy “honeymoon” phase in the ex’s new life after he starts his affair or marries his new woman. He has done so much damage to himself, and to his first wife and family, that he usually tries extremely hard to make his new relationship work.

Men who break their promises and betray their families usually have no room or time to think about regret. Occasionally, they may have pangs of regret when milestones with the children are missed. Or when their family moves forward without them. But they seem to not allow themselves to go to that regret space very often. Instead, they blame us and our children for excluding them, and so regret doesn’t have a chance.

Men who leave relationships also don’t allow themselves to consider the fact that they may have made a mistake. Instead, they go full speed ahead to make everything in their new life seem perfect! Admitting that they may have made a mistake is very hard to do after the destruction and disappointment they have left in their wake everywhere.

For a man to regret leaving his wife and to admit that there is something to be sorry about, he would have to be vulnerable enough to be honest with himself and to have an active conscience. Most men are unlikely to share their regret with anyone. It would be too painful to admit.

And the women that choose to knowingly embark on affairs with partnered men, they can never admit that they did something unutterably devastating to a fellow mother, lover, sister. Their “happiness” is paramount, fuck that loyal, faithful bitch, what a (stupid) bitch she is, right?!”

I know it would ruin me to know I made someone else suffer such heartache, such agony. I guess there must be an incredible ability to compartmentalise.

In Trinket’s case, she would have compartmentalised her cheating husband’s….well, cheating…in order to function. So me and my children also get shoved in a box, never to open the lid, least she sees and smells the rot of the indescribable pain she contributed to.

My youngest has strep from her tonsillitis again. Because her surgery was cancelled due to Covid lockdown. It took her sister and myself two days to make her find a doctor (I assured her our practice – she shares mine, who helped deal with my cancer management and recovery – would do a video or phone consult.) She finally did and filled the prescription for antibiotics today. Phew!

She was also relieved to find out today that her surgery has been rescheduled for 12 May, as an urgent case, so is allowed straight out of lockdown.

Woohoo! I am so thrilled!

This poor kid has suffered so much these past two years.

And today, my son was very chatty. He’s moving flat again after lockdown lifts in about three weeks, and asked that he put my address on all official contact information – like for the share registry – as he does move about a bit.

It all got kicked off with a group discussion amongst the kids, that I am a part of, where my youngest pointed out that my (recovering alcoholic, still narcissistic) brother was publically bullying our youngest brother online.

Ugh

What?

I blocked middle brother years ago, and thankfully didn’t have to witness that shit show!

And my son, surprisingly, chimed in with this. I was silently watching this dialogue between them all, and my heart melted, because blocking my own brother tore me to shreds. I didn’t do it impulsively, or easily.

My pretty quiet son, said this to his sisters and me, explaining that he also was thankful he can’t see that crap online.

I had no idea. And am pretty touched he saw through his uncle’s crap, and had my back. Even nursing a giant hangover 🤣

So, here’s to the final four days of full on lockdown. We, as a nation, had only 3 new cases confirmed today. We are hopeful that some easing, and slow, sensible contactless contact (it’s a thing, okay?) means we can start over, reboot our economy, and I am hopeful we do this in a far kinder, more ecologically thoughtful way.

Kia kaha, my friends. Sending aroha from down here in Aotearoa.❤

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